Coming Home to Darkness

Day 70 - 6:43pm, 11 March 2019

Running late this morning and so the picture was taken in the dark on the way home. I am looking forward to the clocks going forward at the end of the month and the lighter nights that will ensue. I don't mind dark mornings, because even at their darkest, by the time you get to work, it is generally light. Yet coming home to darkness in the evening seems like an evening wasted.

My Little Aptenodytes Forsteri

Day 77 - 8:11am, 18 March 2019

Little Master went on a museum trip today to see the robot exhibition. I expect him to come home his head full of robots, but no, far from it. What is the first thing that he tells me? "I weigh the same as an emperor penguin." And very proud he is of the fact too.

Lost in a Book

Day 69 - 3:16pm, 10 March 2019

CLIC Sargent have been running a charity auction on eBay this week called Get in Character. It offers the winning bidders the chance to be immortalised as characters in the participating authors' next books. Much as I hope it will raise the charity lots of money, the thought of being a character in something somebody else has written does not appeal to me at all. What would happen if your character did something that you wouldn't do? Would you feel cheated and want your money back?!

But if I could have been in any book, I think I would have been Alice's sister in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, sat on the banks of the riverbank, lost in a book . . .

Nine Years in the Making

Day 72 - 7:50am, 13 March 2019

It's Little Master's class assembly today and I am bursting with pride. He has come so far this year and this event is the evidence of it. He joins in every song and he says his lines. They are mainly incomprehensible, because he is speaking far too fast, but he remembers every word, without a script. [Shrugs shoulders and thinks to herself you can't have everything.] Best of all, he looks like he belongs, is one of them, not on the fringes, not set apart. For once, one of the greater whole.

And I must admit I shed a little tear and there's a lump in my throat when I hear them all sing. It's not just him and how far he's come that creates the spark, it's the potential for a brighter future that I hear in the words, I see in their faces and I know in my soul.

Party Time

Day 82 - 8:08pm, 23 March 2019

I'm not sure if days like this make you feel invincible or just plain vulnerable. Little Mister is turning 12 and today is designated party day. It's an awkward age. Organised parties are either too young or too expensive, so we've opt for a DIY version, hiring two bowling lanes and then back to ours for carry out pizza.

There's something about shepherding a group of over-excited 11-year olds across several busy roads and passed your quiet neighbours' houses that strikes fear into your heart. Hubby has his Garmin Vivosmart on and it tells him he is working harder than he did at the martial arts class beforehand.

Still, we all made it there and back safely, a few nerves shattered, but otherwise okay, and proceed to phase two. God Bless Johnny English, he managed to get them sitting down quietly, I say quietly but it's all relative. It's good to hear them laughing like little kids and some of them even manage to put down their mobile phones to watch it.

A success yes, but I suspect it will take some time for my shoulders to return to their natural position and I can answer a question without screaming - "YES?!" in an accusatory tone.

Bouncing Back

Day 78 - 10:06am, 19 March 2019

It is time for Little Miss to go to gymnastics, only I can't find her. I troop upstairs expecting to have to shout for her to hear me, if she is, as I expect, sitting there with headphones on watching a Youtube video. Instead, I find her tucked up in bed, fast asleep. I decide not to wake her, she has had a cold hanging on her over the last day or so. 

She wakes about an hour later and gurns. After coming downstairs, she coories in and we watch a DVD together. I must exude some sort of magic healing power because within the hour she is up bouncing about with a balloon - that is until her Daddy reminds her that she is supposed to be ill, when suddenly she is a sorry little soul again. A good night's sleep and she will be fine - we hope, anyway, because Little Mister has an appointment at the same time the other two should be going to school tomorrow.

Lunch at the Lodge

Day 76 - 4:49pm, 17 March 2019

After trampolining, we head for a late lunch at the little lodge set just in the gates of The Hermitage. Everyone must have become a little stir crazy after the recent weather and it seems like the whole of Edinburgh is or has been out walking and stopped off here for a bite to eat before us. There is not much in the way of food left when we get there, but what we get is delicious anyway, and the coffee is so smooth and drinkable. Having been a bit of a spur of the moment decision to come here, we head straight home after, but it has set my heart ticking for a family walk of a Sunday. We are so lucky to live in a city that has more than its fair share of outdoor provision, now that Spring is coming, we really must do more to enjoy it together.

Sitting in a Puddle Waiting

Day 75 - 9:53am, 16 March 2019

It's snowing!!! There's something very life-affirming about opening your curtains in the morning to find a layer of snow waiting for you. Immediately you're a kid again, hoping for a snow day and a chance to throw snowballs until the point your gloves are soaked through and your hands are too numb to continue.

Little Miss is due at acro-dance half way through the morning, which means a 15-minute walk through the snow. By the time we set off, it has stopped snowing and the snow left on the ground is rapidly turning to slush as the temperature rises and a growing rash of footprints cover it.

We are just passed the traffic lights when a taxi speeding toward us, no doubt to cheat the lights, covers us from head to foot in a hail of dirty slush. Thankfully, Little Miss has her waterproof trousers on so is able to strip off once we get to the dance studio. I, however, am wearing jeans and sit there waiting for her in a puddle of my own making, until it is time to walk home again. This is not the snow day I was dreaming of!

Wild Garlic in the Woods

Day 71 - 1:17pm, 12 March 2019

I am helping at the school book fair today. It is hectic but fun. The kids are like a storm of greedy locusts, devouring every book in sight. They go, you re-set it and then the next plague comes along and strips the shelves bare. It is nice to see that they still get a thrill from a physical book as opposed to a virtual one. 

After eating my lunch, I make my way to the bridge to take my photo and then cut through Craiglockhart Dell back up toward the school. Despite feeling bloated from lunch, the unmistakable smell arising from the wood's flooring of wild garlic tricks me into feeling hungry. It is so strong I can taste the garlic without it having to be anywhere near my mouth. Wow, if I can trick my body that easily, I need never actually eat an unnecessary calorie ever again, just smell it and I'll be fine and dandy.

My Little Princess

Day 68 - 5:15pm, 9 March 2019

The Brownies are going to Edinburgh Castle as part of their Local History badge. I am not sure how much history they come away with, but they certainly make the most of their time in the gift shop. Little Miss returns with the world's largest lollipop. It is so big she doesn't even finish it by the time we make the bus trip home; I reckon she will still be licking it when she returns to school on Monday. I am pleasantly surprised however that she comes home with change; she is growing up - I can tell this, because not only does she not spend all the money, but she pockets the change for use by herself at some later date.

Walk Softly

Day 79 - 10am, 20 March 2019

Today is the first day of Spring and the International Day of Happiness. I suspect it was no accident that the UN selected this date to celebrate happiness as a human goal. The trees are budding, the days are lengthening and so it should, perhaps, be a little easier to be happy. That being said, the only posts I see about happiness on social media seem to have been from those who aren't happy, who are having a tough day. Later on, I see a Twitter post from Action for Happiness, which makes ten suggestions for how to be happier. I'd like to make an eleventh, Walk Softly - meaning, be gentle with yourself, others and the earth on which we are so dependent. If you can do that, the world will be a happier place.

Tripped Up

Day 80 - 2:35pm, 21 March 2019

I have taken the day off work to go on youngest's school trip. It is a trip to Dynamic Earth, which I have been to many times, and includes a weather workshop that I did with my eldest when he was at this stage of schooling. I think I know, therefore, what I am letting myself in for.

Turns out I don't. There are three parent helpers and we each have a group of children assigned to us to be responsible for throughout the day. We are staying as one big group, so in theory it should be simple, a case of counting heads every so often. Instead, I feel like I am a bouncer on high alert. Just a small group of boys make things difficult, but they are so very good at it. It is utterly exhausting, and they aren't even in my group.

Then I see what one of them has for his lunch, a family-sized bag of Doritos, and suddenly it is clear, it is not just their fault. There are wider social issues at play, which we as a society must tackle, rather than blame the individuals, who are as much victims as the rest of the class are.

Testing the Long Hand of the Law

Day 81 - 22 March 2019

One of the local community police officers has come to Cubs tonight to help with their personal safety and home safety badges. Little Master, eager as ever and without the ability to self-filter, has his hand up continually. Having let him spout a few times, I gently bring his hand down and tell him to wait. It is often a balancing act between letting him express what is going on in his head and not letting it derail the rest of the group. When the officer gives them the opportunity to ask questions, I let him go for it. 

"Do you like donoughts?" he asks. "Err, no." The policeman has missed The Simpsons reference and is now answering questions as to how many times he has used his baton and handcuffs, and what a dead body looks like. Little Master is happy and moves on. The policeman remains good humoured throughout, patiently answering every question and handcuffing every one of them. He even leads them in a game of cops and robbers. They are better at being robbers than cops, mainly because it takes two cops to make an arrest. Despite hearing it from us, they don't twig that if they stick with their partner, it is much easier to arrest someone than their preferred method of going it solo and then calling for back up once they have half-apprehended someone. We stop the game just as one over-enthusiastic cop tries to rugby tackle an offender to the floor, with this partner hanging on for dear life on the other side. Messy, but strangely realistic, the real policeman decrees.

Better the Balance

Day 67 - 08:09am, 8 March 2019

It's International Women's Day. And this year's theme is #BalanceforBetter and women around the world are being asked to post selfies on social media of them striking a "hands out" balance pose. It's supposed to be a strong call to action. The problem is though that the pictures I see look less Lady Justice and more shrugging shoulders indifference. 

Surely, it's not about striking a pose - you can hardly get more passive - but about taking action. Take a picture of yourself doing something positive, write about how you are going to redress the balance. Whatever you are going to do, don't just stand there like a statue waiting for it to happen.

Catch Your Breath

Day 66 - 5:26pm, 7 March 2019

The renewed force of the water has churned up the mud, turning the river a rusty brown. I wonder what effect this has on the animals that make their home in and around the river. Later, I make the mistake of Googling, "Are fish affected by muddy water." It seems they are: if there is a lot of silt in the water, it can make it difficult for them to breathe. Let's hope the fish in the Water of Leith can hold their breath, metaphorically at least.

The Downpour Ensues

Day 65 - 09:02am, 6 March 2019

Wednesday is wet, on and off, during the day. As a result, the river is swollen and the water is flowing much faster than it has been. Life seems very much the same way at the moment - bloated with all that's in it and with everything moving too fast. I have grand plans to start clearing out the house and extinguishing the clutter, but I fight it for an hour or two, and then retreat. My only hope is that the rain stops soon, in both senses.

A Single Swan a Swimming

Day 64 - 2:43pm, 5 March 2019

The cygnets on Craiglockhart Pond are growing up fast. Most of their downy feathers have gone and they must be close to the point where Mummy and Daddy Swan will be chasing them out the nest to find homes of their own. But not as yet, the pod is in a guddle half-way along the pond as I make my way to the leisure centre. They are still there as I return home from my fitness class. As I approach the canal bridge, I am treated to the sight of a solitary swan processing on the water.

It is swimming dead centre in the water, and the water streaks out in gentle waves behind it, rippling out lightly to the banks. I am mesmerised by this silent creature, who despite the lack of fanfare, exudes sovereignty. I pause to watch it pass under the bridge and wonder why it has chosen to be alone.

When I pass the same spot with the kids later, there are no swans to be seen. Instead, the surface of the water is being stirred up by the boat club canoes that have since colonised the canal. Fittingly, given the battle cries the canoeists and their instructors are emitting, this time the backwash is frenetic. Let's hope peace returns soon.

Be Happy Now

Day 63 - 08:22am, 4 March 2019

I don't need to worry. At least not according to today's training session at work - Don't Worry, Be Happy - I can be happier by following four simple steps - be grateful, connect with others, be kind and try something new. The trainer begins by asking us what makes us happy and when we are happiest. They are fairly easy to answer. It becomes a lot harder when we get to the kindness section.

She advocates undertaking a random act of kindness every day and ask us to write down what RAK we can do today, this week and this month. The thought of being kind is not the issue, it's having to schedule them in that rather goes against the grain. My mind goes blank because I can't get over the thought that it's hardly random if you have to plan them in advance! After all, it's easy to be kind with forethought, harder though to do it in the moment. Being able to act spontaneously, to remain kind and compassionate when things are tense and the pressure is on, that is where the real worth lies.

Placing the Pieces

Day 62 - 11;16am, 3 March 2019

We walk to the top of Wester Craiglockhart hill and the kids are excited to see their school from this angle. It looks surprisingly close. I try to work out if I can see my parents' house from here too. I'm not sure that I can, but it's amazing how difficult it is to get your bearings when you are looking at things from a different perspective; everything is new and unfamiliar, a scrambled jigsaw puzzle that I have to begin rebuilding from scratch, piece by piece. Or maybe it is just that I am spatially challenged, the epitome of the Women are from Venus stereotype, which I fear I am. 

A Big Drip

Day 61 - 09:50am, 2 March 2019

It seemed a good idea at the time. The rain had stopped and Little Miss' friend's house is only two streets away, so we decide to walk it rather than phone home and then have to wait for a lift. I say walk, but as the kids have scooters, I am hobbling along, doubled up behind them trying to keep hold of the three sets of crafts I am balancing on my arms. (Note to self, next time remember to take a tote bag to bring stuff home.) We make it half way there before the heavens open and we are pelted. The water is dripping off my glasses and I cannot raise my eyes to see where we are going. I drop one of the tins/drums but dare not pick it up for fear of dropping the rest. Little Master picks it up for me and we push on. And then, as quickly as it has started, it stops. We arrive a minute or two later, four drowned rats and some very soggy crafts. Little Master makes me smile with how quick he is to say yes to a lift. From the sunshine of this morning to the pouring rain of the evening, mediated by this afternoon's rainbow, the lift for me is not in a car, but its the lift that friendship brings.

Ducks, ducks, ducks

Day 60 - 07:48am, 1 March 2019

I have an early start at work today and so am down at the Water of Leith earlier than normal. I am rewarded by my first wildlife sighting on the river - and no, it's not rabbits, as would have been wonderfully befitting this being the first of the month, but four ducks, three in the river and one on the bank. As wildlife sightings go, it is not exactly spotting a tiger in the undergrowth, but it makes me smile nonetheless. Given its proximity to a busy road and the almost constant footfall of dog-walkers, cyclists and recreational walkers along the walkway, it is reassuring to know that we can share the space. The ducks seem blissfully unaware of me, or if they register me, they choose to ignore me. And I can't help feeling that that is the way it's meant to be.

Rewriting History, DNA Style

Day 59 - 07:25am, 28 February 2019

I fell asleep last night watching a TV programme about grown-up ‘foundlings’ - babies who are abandoned by their families, left on doorstops etc. to be found by others, and so have no idea of who their families are or how they came to be found where they were. The premise of the programme is that they would try to fill in that back story for them, using specialist search agencies and DNA sampling. I have to admit to being deeply uneasy about the use of genetics in this regard.

The problem is that, by and large, the people that are currently having their DNA sampled are doing so out of curiosity, they are looking to trace who their ancestors are. It’s about creating their own history, but the matches that are being made are being made in the present, so they are potentially rewriting not just their own, but others’ stories in the here and now. It's no longer history.

I was adopted as a baby. I had a back story, but it felt like the preface was missing. It bothered me less as a  child, but more so when I went off to university and in my twenties. Maybe part of me finding myself as an adult was in first filling in the gaps for that baby. The good thing isyou aren’t just handed over your adoption papers, you have to speak with someone so that they can help you process it and talk you through the options open to you for trying to contact your parents. Dinosaur that I am, DNA sampling was not one of them.

I am conscious that if one of my children ever decides to have their DNA sampled, it may reveal the half of the back story I do not know. Given that he actively walked away from us, it seems unlikely that my biological father's family is aware of us. They say that blood is thicker than water, but personally, I think sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Letting the Spider Go

Day 58, 09:10am, 27 February 2019

Little Miss and I are walking to Brownies, when we spot a large bush bursting with white blossom. I clock it and think that's pretty, and carry on without so much as diluting my walking pace. But when it catches Little Miss' attention, it grabs her full attention. Her response is to stop, reach out and touch it. She pulls her face in tight toward it and exclaims at its beauty. It is a brief stop, but for that moment, she directs every piece of her focus and all of her senses onto that blossom. She really experiences it, ingests it and moves on, not my cursory nod.

She is a little worrier. There is a spider at Brownies. She gets upset. And when I meet her, it is the first thing she tells me about. I get her freaking out at spiders. I have to fight it myself, but time has taught me to supress my fears because my cold, logical brain tells me they are irrational. She has yet to develop that capacity, if it is a capacity. Her emotional heart is the victor. So she ruminates about the little blighter on the way, despite the fact, as I remind her, there is now a distance of two streets between us and the spider. 

I tell her about mindfulness and suggest that rather than continuing to think about the spider, she acknowledge she is frightened of it, be curious about how that makes her feel and then say to herself it is okay and let the thought go. She goes quiet, before she ventures, "Do we still have the thing that you put your hand in and all your worries go away?" I nod. "Good," she says wholeheartedly, "That is all I need."