Stepping Forward

Day 165 - 10:35am, 15 June 2019

The step challenge at work has shifted up a gear with the final mini challenge, involving earning a badge according to how many steps you achieve over the week. If you take 70,000 steps, you qualify for the first badge, the second badge requires 95,000 steps, the third takes 120,000 steps and the highest badge you can gain is a steep 150,000 steps away. Being stubborn, I decide to go for the full-on 150,000 steps.

I get up early, walk into town and back to get 15,000 steps. I walk my daughter to her dance class and home for another few thousand steps. After lunch, I walk second son to his party, stay on and then we walk back. All in all, I generate over 35,000 steps in one day. This reduces the pressure for the remaining days.

The thing that pleases me most about this personal best is less the figure on my step counter and more that when at the party, I join in some of the games and find that I actually have the puff to chase the kids. I am not sure whether this is due to upping my steps for the step challenge or because I have started taking my preventative inhaler every day in the hope of being able to start a cardio regime that doesn't trigger an asthma attack. Either way, it's a step forward.

Never Standing Still, Let Alone Taking a Breather

Day 164 - 5:45pm, 14 June 2019

We've taken the decision to skip Cubs tonight, not something that I would normally encourage or advocate, but it's football, which he won't play and Little Miss needs picked up from a party, while the Scouts are off on a hike on the Pentlands and so Little Mister needs dropped off at a friend's house at the same time.

I don't remember life being so frenetic when I was a child. Not being in anyway sporty, I had Brownies/Guides, youth club and orchestra. Every day, after school, I worked in a mail room from mid way through my high school years through until I left for university. So I was occupied, but I did not need a social secretary to manage my out of school hours, as it feels at times like mine do. 

I do worry sometimes that we feel we must keep our kids occupied and give them lots of different experiences, rather than just give them the freedom to play as we did. No wonder screen time seems so appealing to them! If they are not exhausted, then I am.

When It Rains on the Inside

Day 163 - 07:05am, 13 June 2019

I'm not immune from silly arguments, no one is. The heat rises, words are said, feelings are hurt. But it is pointless dwelling on the negative, particularly when we are tired and so not at our best. Much better to get ourselves back standing, say sorry, then dust ourselves off and move on. The adventure continues.

Two Sides of the One Coin

Day 161 - 1:30pm, 11 June 2019

This photo shows what you see if you are looking directly down from my spot on the bridge to the river below. Were you to move to the other side of the mini island, the faster-flowing water prevents you from seeing the rocks scattered across the river bed. On this side, the water is idling along, barely bothered to move forward. It only picks up speed again, once the other side re-joins it and pushes it along. For these brief few moments, the water is both fast and slow, still and active. Two sides of the river, polar opposites, but able to co-exist. Maybe something us humans could learn from.

I Hate My Job!

Day 162 - 9:13pm, 12 June 2019

I might have described today as a washout, were it not for the P7 play. On a day when it rained without stopping and then some more, the play Madagascar Junior was a bright shining spot in my week, if not my year. 

Little Mister was playing the lemur Maurice, King Julien's sidekick. He acted miserable so well, and even ad-libbed the line, "I hate my job" with such a deadpan expression as to get the biggest laugh of the night. Watching his primary school era begin its final countdown, I am proud of what he and his classmates have done, how they've grown over their seven years together and I know I don't need to worry about his future.  He will find his role; he will be whomever he wants to be. Let's just hope I never have to hear him say, "I hate my job!" for real.

Counting Down to Summer

Day 160 - 7:31am, 10 June 2019

I cannot sleep, so rise early and set about the household chores. I hang out two loads of washing and get the dishes done by 6:30am, and still I am rushing out the door for work later than intended. (Even if, to be fair, I was intending being in work an hour earlier.) Today is a day for making progress or, at least, drinking lots of coffee. I bounce back and forth between the two positions and somehow make it to the evening more or less intact. I even think I am scoring things off the to do list faster than I am adding them. Nothing is complete, but inroads are being made and the holidays are in sight, Roll on July.

The First Will Come Last

Day 159 - 3:39pm, 9 June 2019

It's competition time. Little Miss is eager to show off her trampolining skills and has her heart set on a medal. This is the first year she will be competing in the club competition and she has been warned by us that it is likely that the gymnasts she is competing against will be of a higher standard than the entry level class she competed in last year. Bless her, this does not phase her.

It turns out that she is the only competitor in her age group, which means that she is an automatic gold medal winner. On the one hand, this is good, but on the other, I am disappointed that she doesn't get the chance to win it in genuine competition, particularly given how well she executes the routine.

I watch her warm up with the older girls and her feet are perfectly pointed in an easy box split. She is in her element. She is still in he element as we wait for her the medals presentation and I remind her that being the only person in her class also means that she is automatically last. "Mum!" Today is a good day and nothing phases her.

It's Not Shakespeare, but it Warms Your Heart to Hear It

Day 158 - 11:17am, 8 June 2019

The boys are having a play date with two of their friends at our house. Bless them, they are all playing together, even Little Miss. We have left them to it, but I can hear the interactions across the hallway. Little Mister is pretending to be a baby - I think - and every time someone interacts with him is squealing like a pig in a frenzy. Again, not sure why. He has now declared himself dead, but it seems very hard to play dead when there are four other children clambering on top of you. He tells them to stop, but me thinks he doth protest too much, given the laughter all round!

A Practically Perfect Craft

Day 157 - 7:50am, 7 June 2019

I loved spending time this afternoon learning bookbinding as part of my work's office outing. It's been a bucket list item for a while - what's not to love, a chance to be creative and to take home something that is both beautiful and functional. It seems to make the things I write in it feel all the more important and personal to me just by virtue of being written inside it, even when it's a mundane list of things, like a clothes line and a reading book for Little Miss, to be looked out before we go on holiday.

Dance Like An Egyptian

Day 156 - 9:11am, 6 June 2019

I took a half day to go into school for Little Miss' open classroom on the Egyptians. She seems to have identified with the theme, more so than some of her previous projects, because we have been regaled with pyramid facts for weeks: I think she sees herself as Cleopatra. 

But oh my word, people overload! There is no room to move in the classroom after each pupil has brought in their mum and dad, grandma and grandpa, next door neighbour, Lord Lucan, the family dog and younger siblings. Ok, I exaggerate. But I have no idea of how they danced in their performance section, because her class went through to the other classroom to perform it. We were left standing behind the parents of the other class out in the corridor. Fine if you are hubby, over six foot, but if you are one of us five footers and not much more, then you can forget it. 

With a little forethought, it would have been different. If the parents at the front had moved forward and sat on the vacant seats, there would have been enough room for us all to get in and to arrange ourselves so that everyone could enjoy the show. As it was, I was rather glad it was over and we could retreat home. 

Little Mister and his class is in the playground having returned from their day trip in the Pentland hills. If Little Miss is effervescent about her learning, he is taciturn. We barely get a "good" out of him when asked to describe his day. He says he will tell us about it later, but when he gets home, he has forgotten. Either he is developing the brain of a goldfish, or this is how it's going to be until he navigates in and out of his teenage years.

Rain, rain, go away

Day 155 - 9:11am, 5 June 2019

The ire of the inflamed river is driving the water forward at a rate of knots that makes me feel sick just watching it. I am taken aback by just how swollen it is after a single night of rain, and there's most definitely more to come.

However, today's ever-present rain seems fitting given the 75th anniversary of D-day tomorrow, and the fact that the weather was such a big factor on the day, and on the lead up to it. There was only a small window of opportunity. For all we humans think we are in control of our destiny, we are often still enthral to the vagaries of the weather. The world as we know it would not exist as it does today were it not for the break in the storm.

Wisdom, Justice, Compassion and Integrity

Day 154 - 1:00pm, 4 June 2019

In the 15 years it has been in operation, today was the first time I've been inside the Scottish Parliament building - other than visiting the cafe once when the eldest was a baby. Architecturally, the building is stunning. I think the fact that you so seldom pass it on foot, but drive past in the car, means you rather take it all for granted, so it was nice to see its features from the inside looking out.

But beautiful as the building was, what impressed me more was the people inside it. There were lots of meetings going on in open spaces. We - I was a parent helper on a class trip - bumped into one of the Deputy Presiding Officers, Linda Fabiani, who was getting her picture taken with a group and then stopped to chat briefly with the kids. After the tour, the children then had the opportunity to question one of our MSPs, Jeremy Balfour. They started off slowly, but quickly warmed up. As we were leaving, there was a small protest going on outside the building. Apparently people were chaining themselves to the railings later, but not at this point.

So the take away for me was that while we are sick of hearing of Brexit and of politicians generally, it shouldn't colour our thoughts on living on a democracy and the freedom that affords us to whinge and protest as we see fit. Not everyone has that luxury.  And because are news is dominated by all that is bad in our country and world, it is easy to forget that politics is not about parties and elections, even if that's all it seems to be. It's about people stepping forward, trying to do their best, to make the world a better place and that's something we can all do more of. And if we were to do it with "Wisdom, Justice, Compassion and Integrity" as inscribed on the Scottish Parliament Mace, all the better for all of us.

No Correlation

Day 153 - 3:15pm, 3 June 2019

I watch a short video of Stephen Fry at the Hay Book Festival, recounting the tale of recording the Harry Potter audiobooks and the fun J.K. Rowling had at his expense. After it ends, the next video to play is one showcasing Professor Paul Dalon, a behavioural scientist at the London School of Economics. He says in his talk that the happiest population subgroup are unmarried women over the age of 40 and who, importantly, don't have children. Marriage and having kids may be markers of success, according to societal expectations, but they don't make you happy. Unless that is, you are a man. Those who marry and have kids, live longer and are happier. Jammy buggers!

Let Your Heart Decide

Day 152 - 8:38pm, 2 June 2019

We split to see different films: Little Miss and I go to see Aladdin and the boys and hubby are off to watch Detective Pikachu.

She lifts the arm between the seats and cuddles in. My arm is being pushed into the upraised arm and it gets to the stage where I can barely feel my hand, but she starts to sing along to ‘A Whole New World’ and I am too captivated to care. Here she is, she lies across my chest singing in a whisper that only I can hear, “Now tell me Princess, when did you last let your heart decide?” My heart decides at that moment that this moment is perfect and if I have to lose a hand or even two for it to continue, it will be more than worth it.

Family Photos

Day 151 - 9:55am, 1 June 2019

I meet the ducklings and cygnets out on the canal again today. I think I am secretly, or not so secretly, becoming obsessed with them.

The cygnets have changed the most physically. I could only see five of them this time so I am hoping it was just that the others were right in at the bank and I couldn't see them because of the reeds, rather than they are no more. The five are within pecking distance of one parent and the other adult swan is further back, but makes a beeline for the bank when he or she sees me. I move on slightly so as not to unnecessarily upset them. I wonder if they ever think to themselves who is this mad, middle-aged woman that holds that rectangle to her face every time she sees us?

In contrast, the ducklings still seem tiny, while seeming much more adventurous than they were. They are spread out across the breadth of the canal and do not process in the tight-knit belt formation that they stuck to until now. It seems they are growing up faster than the cygnets. I count them and they are all there, which is always nice to see. They are more interested in me than the swans, looking at me as if to say, what is it that you can offer us? Nothing my friends, other than admiration for you and your families, and for your putting up with us humans, as we jog, cycle and wander past you, unaware that the canal belongs to you and yours.

A Sensory Pleasure

Day 150 - 8:11am, 31 May 2019

Having read that if you hold on to cut pussy willow for long enough you can root a new tree, I have a bunch of pussy willow sticks in a vase in the kitchen. I think they are now around a month old and the catkins are beginning slowly to drop off or to grow their outer yellow Mohican, which I believe is their sexual part.

A single catkin lies curled up on the bunker, a few yellow tendrils striking out of the minute furry creature. I pick it up to place it in the bin, but hesitate. It seems almost a shame to throw it away - it's so FLUFFY! I gently stroke it and wonder to myself whether I could keep it as a pocket pet for those times when I could do with a moment of calm. Maybe not, but I hope the branches in the kitchen will root and I can have my own perpetual supply of these perfectly petite, disposable palm pets, with no pet care or feeding necessary.

Looking Back, Going Forward

Day 149 - 8:35pm, 30 May 2019

Today, we are having an Away Afternoon at work. Note, the "at work", i.e. we don't actually leave the building. Instead, we gather in a meeting room upstairs; when we would have settled for being in our other building next door which has access to free cakes and refreshments. 

Ahead of the meeting, I decided to make a spoof version of the Ladybird books for grown up, The Meeting, and doctoring it to fit our team. It's the little things that amuse me!

I print out a copy which has all the old Ladybird pictures, with the new text alongside it. The pictures look very dated but it is hard to view them with anything but affection. Growing up, our view of the world was the Ladybird view of the world. It introduced us to the wider world and the timeless stories of our culture. But it wasn't just us, it was everyone had that filter. Every child and every household had Ladybird books. 

I can't think of an equivalent today. There are popular books and authors but I can't think of a series that is both ubiquitous and covers everything. The filter that most children are introduced to the world through is Youtube and social media. We have lost that singular view. Is that a bad thing? No, life has moved on, but I hope we don't lose the standards of design and authorship that the Ladybirds had. It is all very well encouraging the immediate, but we must also leave a space for the timeless.

GC, Phone Home

Day 148 - 9:11am, 29 May 2019

May is evaporating before us, but I am not yet ready to step into June. It's such a frenetic month, when rather than things winding down for the end of the school year they crank up to the point that when the holidays come you are too worn out to appreciate it.

Already the cracks are starting to show. Today, it is my mobile that I lose. Having thoroughly checked the house, I suspect that I have left it at one of the shops earlier today. Sure enough, I have. The shop assistant that returns it is less incredulous that I have lost it, and more bemused by the fact that I lost it early on in the day and yet it took me to tea time to become aware that it is missing! Little does he know that I can leave it aside for days and never think to check it. Still, I would be sorry to lose it.

The Subject Always Comes First

Day 147 - 11:37am, 28 May 2019

I listen to Michael Rosen interview the poet Raymond Antrobus on Radio 4. During the programme, he speaks of his journeying between deaf and hearing culture, his blackness and Jamaican heritage, ans from sign language to the written and spoken word. I missed the start of the interview and so it took me a while to appreciate that Antrobus was deaf. He uses two powerful digital hearing aids and has had extensive speech therapy, which enables him to hear some sounds and to talk. Though as he demonstrates, words such as "criticism" are really difficult for him to say because they are all high-pitched sounds, which he cannot hear. 

They discuss sign language and Antrobus describes it as communicating within a box of air, and that box of air in which they speak may be the size of the speaker's body or just in front of their head. Not only does sign language look different from person to person, there are also local dialects within it, where a sign can mean different things across the country. I think I assumed that BSL (British sign language) was just an acted-out clone of English, but Antrobus confirms that the syntax is different and you always have to say the subject first so that you are both clear from the get-go what you are talking about, before you can move onto to what is happening.

I love the immediacy of it. The fact that everything is up front, in clear sight.

Cheat Day

Day 146 - 27 May 2019

Today is the only day I have not gone to the Water of Leith to take a picture. I was running late for work in the morning because I could nor find my bus pass and so was walking. I then intended to get a new bus pass at lunchtime, only to find that I had also forgotten my purse. After work, I walked home - in the pouring rain - and thought I wasn't going to make it back for the kids being dropped off and so headed straight home. At this point, my luck seemed to change, because I found my bus pass and purse, which were right in front of my nose all along.

I then intended to go to the River of Leith once hubby was back from his taekwon-do class. However, being a bear with a very little brain, as the constant forgetfulness shows, I forget about taking the photo too. I remembered about 11pm. It is still raining, pitch black and I have lost the will to live. I opt for a photo from last week instead. Back on track tomorrow . . . I hope.

A Lesson for Us All

Day 145 - 10:03am, 26 May 2019

Little Miss tootles off to the Junior Gang Show auditions. The Gang Show in the Kings Theatre has been going on longer than I have. On one hand, I want encourage her to try new, big and scary things, and on the other, I am permanently exhausted and find myself wondering how on earth we would ever fit rehearsals in.

She is confident. According to her, she is the best dancer in her school class. And, to be fair, she probably is. She has a style and grace to her, and such precision in her movements that she is a joy to watch, even without having much in the way of formal dance training (she gave up ballet and tap a couple of years ago). We point out to her that there are lots of other talented girls in Edinburgh who will also be auditioning and as eight is the minimum age, she will be one of the youngest there. While I don't think she is likely to get in, she is determined to try. I think it may be a useful life lesson.

So I drop her off at the church where the audition is being held. There are none of her immediate chums there and she hesitates slightly when she has to leave me at the reception desk and head on through to a back room alone. But off she goes and I leave her to it.

When I return, she is with some Brownies from her pack. She is clutching an envelope and is beaming. "We all got in!" she tells me. The one to learn a life lesson here is me, never underestimate your daughter.

In my defence, when I was a child, I auditioned to be part of the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony. The night before, coming down the stairs, I overheard my mum and dad speaking in the kitchen saying I would be a nightmare if I didn't get in. I didn't. It was particularly hard for me because I loved that sort of thing despite not being a natural at it, and I think there were only two of us in my class that weren't selected and they would disappear off to rehearsals. It did hurt, but I put a positive spin on it at home about how close I came. I hope I showed them, just as Little Miss showed me.

Counting Down to Summer

Day 144 - 6pm, 25 May 2019

Today is the school fair. The start of the countdown to the summer holidays. It will be Little Mister's last one as a pupil. He wanders around with his friends, too cool to waste any money on the toy and games stalls, he heads straight to the stalls with food on them. 

We stay to help tidy up and when we go, I realise that this is probably the first year that we haven't come home with armfuls of stuff to find a home for. Little Master has a few more soft toys obviously, but not enough to be anything more than a drop in the vast ocean that is his bedroom. Little Miss was dissuaded from another teddy but took a neck pillow with a panda hood in its place. Not sure about that one, but all in, it could have been a lot worse. 

Let it Go

Day 143 - 06:45, 24 May 2019

I think this is the earliest I have taken one of my daily photos. I awoke this morning at 5:20am, needing the bathroom. Normally, afterwards I would have crawled into bed and fallen straight back to sleep, but there is something about there being broad daylight when it is supposed to be still dark that is just too confusing.

Instead, I lie in bed reading. It is a delightful treat to be able to turn page after page, without having to simultaneously fight to keep my eyes open. I tell myself that I will just finish this chapter and then I'll get up and do something useful, but the chapters are so deliciously short and delightful that I keep on reading.

The book is Natalie Goldberg's "The Wild Mind" and it all about how to get into your groove as a writer and actually writing. I like everything that she has written but one of the Buddhist phrases that she quotes seems to resonate most. "Everything is interconnected and interpenetrated." The image haunts me.

I have long since got that we are all connected. But penetrated, that is taking things to a whole new level. If connected is an external string binding us to one another and to every other thing, then penetration is physical, internal and it hurts. Every piece of junk that is lying on the bedroom floor, it's no longer just lying there not harming anyone, those bits of paper, all that needless stuff . . . this could be the impetus I need to let it all go.

What's Your Purpose?

Day 142 - 7:29pm, 23 May 2019

Today's photo was taken later after voting in the European elections this evening. Shafts of sunlight are poking through the leaves, turning them from a steady green to a playful yellow. It elicits an "all-is-well" sigh, as I register that the sun is gracefully taking a bow, and the day is gently coming to a close. I am tired, but today has been a good day, where I have been challenged, physically (too many steps) and mentally. In effect, everything the seminar speaker said that was important for the wellbeing of autistic people - exercise and purpose, but I am getting ahead of myself.

Let me explain. Today was spent at an autism and wellbeing seminar organised by the charity, Children in Scotland. It's the second time I've heard Peter Vermeulen speak and, again, he didn't disappoint. He suggests there is no such thing as "autistic behaviour", all there is is human behaviour that is a consequence of autism. Instead, Vermeulen defines autism as absolute thinking in a relative world. He then moved on to say neurodiversity was fine, but what we should be aiming for is neuroharmony, when autistic and non-autistic people are living in harmony and all are able to use their talents within society, to play a part and contribute. This he suggested was the route to eudemonic happiness and wellbeing in autistic people. Autistic individuals need a sense of purpose as much as anyone else.

A Sweet, Sweet World

Day 141 - 09:17am, 22 May 2019

Tonight, I joined the Brownies' on their canal trip as a parent helper. The Brownies devised a game where they waved manically (and shouted!) at those on the towpath in the hope of getting them to wave back. Those who waved back warranted a tally mark underneath "sweet". Those who either looked acutely embarrassed, stoically stared ahead or looked the other way and hurried on were counted as "sour". By the end of the trip, there were less than a handful that warranted a sour mark. The rest, smiled and waved. It seems that the world is full of kindness after all.

The Heat is On

Day 140 - 10:07am, 21 May 2019

After a shaky start trying to get Little Miss to run the last of the school route when temporary traffic lights bring the traffic to a halt, I think our getting into school after the bell is my misadventure for the day. It seems not. Later, when making tea, I catch my wrist on the cooker shelf as I bring out our tikka masala dish. I sit there for the next three hours, give or take, with frozen peas on my angry-red wrist. It seems to have an effect as the extra colour wave recedes and only a slice-mark blister remains. A good excuse for an early night, nonetheless.

Teething Problems

Day 139 - 8:08am, 20 May 2019

When I return from work, the first thing that Little Master does is show me his once-wobbly tooth which has recently won its liberty and is now lying free in his hand.

Little Miss proudly announces to me that the tooth fairy will be visiting tonight, I am less sure. However, as I manage to scrape together the requisite tooth fees, we are all set for operation tooth fairy when they go to bed.

We've long since learnt that the tooth fairy is short-sighted - I blame the fact that Little Master insists on two night lights and not three. Therefore we make sure that the tooth is wrapped up in kitchen roll and slipped under his pillow to await the never-seen visitor. The first potential pitfall to be navigated is if Little Master doesn't fall asleep. When I check on him he is dead to the world, allowing me to slip my hand under the pillow. My hand meets his and he starts. Thankfully, not enough to wake him, but enough to make me retreat.

I return half an hour later. This time I manage to slip the money under but I can't find the tooth. I try a third time, but the tooth still eludes me. So I decide to leave it until the morning when, hopefully, he will have slipped down the bed and I can lift the pillow and have a proper look.

Of course, come the morning, he hasn't. I try to encourage him downstairs to allow me to do another sweep. But no, Little Miss remembers and gets him to check his pillow. I hold my breath. No tooth. Thank goodness! Little Master counts his pennies and is happy. Well done, Daddy, I think. He must have rescued it after I went to bed.

Later, when I say to hubby, he says he didn't, so I go back up to have another look. No sign of it, only an empty piece of kitchen roll. Is it wrong to think that there might be a tooth fairy after all?!

An Old-Fashioned Girl at Heart

Day 138 - 11:36am, 19 May 2019

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have released pictures of them playing with their two boys at the feature garden the Duchess has helped to design at the Chelsea Flower Show. On the one hand, the photos are lovely and sweet. It's a miniature woodland, with a jaw-dropping tree house, a rope ball swing and stream. The aim is to encourage more young families to explore and enjoy the outdoors. It is beautiful and no doubt restorative, though with the crowds that throng at Chelsea, maybe less relaxing than if you were to come upon it unannounced. 

I love the Water of Leith for its nooks and crannys, it has all the excitement, beauty and glimpses of wildlife that any family would want. There's no fancy tree house or preinstalled rope swing, just good old-fashioned nature, how it was meant to be.

No Show

Day 137 - 8:12pm, 18 May 2019

Today is a day for getting the creative juices flowing. Little Miss is on a sleepover, meaning my morning is free. So I make the most of it by attending a Papercraft workshop to make a framed picture. It is surprisingly relaxing, punching butterflies out of patterned paper and attaching them to the background. Moreso than I was expecting, which prompts a meander around the shop to find the tools to do more of it at home. 

Afterwards, I join my mum and aunt to go to a flower arranging demonstration. It's quite an art, not just the floral display, but the ability to entertain the crowd through it with story after story. Much as I'd like to think I could do both, the likelihood is that even if I had the flower arranging skills - needless to say, I don't! - it would be at the detriment of any ability to put on a show. There would be complete silence, my back would be turned to the audience and I would keep changing my mind about what flowers should go where. 

Better to stick to writing where I can sit and write and rewrite to my heart's content without anyone expecting a show.