Tutu or Not Tutu?

Day 211 - 8:49am, 31 July 2019

Little Miss has been watching an episode of The Simpsons.in which Lisa becomes a ballerina. Suddenly, Little Miss has decided that she too was made to be a ballerina and that she should be having lessons. This is the same girl that each week during term time goes to two gymnastic classes, two trampoline classes and an acro dance class, and who used to do a ballet class but gave it up because, according to her, she hated it. She's also in Edinburgh's junior gang show this year, which means another afternoon gone for rehearsals.

Much as I want to encourage her - she is flexible, graceful and has a natural rhythm - a line has to be drawn. So, I've pointed out that she doesn't have space in her schedule to and re-directed her back to YouTube. My hope is that it has enough free classes on it to keep her going until she realises there's a difference between talent and hard work, and unless she is prepared to combine the pair of them, her future as a ballerina is doomed. However, I suspect by the time she returns to school she will have forgotten all about it. But maybe, I'll wipe that episode of The Simpsons, just to be sure.

All Grown Up

Day 210 - 2:53pm, 30 July 2019

Little Miss (8) announced after tea that she wants to get pregnant as a child. Daddy explained that she couldn't, and even if she could, the baby would be put into care and the daddy would be put in prison because you weren't allowed to have one as a child. This leads her to her asking how do you have a baby. Quick as a flash, Little Master (9) announces, "You have lots of sex!" So shutting down that avenue before he can fill in any further gaps, he proceeds to dispense advice on the life steps she needs to take before she should think about having a child . . . get a job . . . buy a house . . . etc. Little Mister counters with the fact she already has a house. When she is put right as to whose house it is and that she would need her own, she is aghast. Suddenly, being grown up doesn't sound quite as appealing as she was hoping it would be.

Resonance

Day 209 - 6:50pm, 29 July 2019

I listen to part of a John Goldman video in which he talks about sound as the original creative force - "in the beginning was the Word" - and indeed many creation stories from different traditions that suggest that you bring something into being by speaking its name, of creation through sound. And God SAID . . . Even the scientists' BIG BANG has sound in there.

It's not something I've ever thought about. I am not a big music fan, so I guess for me sound generally serves a functional purpose - listening to what others are saying, knowing when traffic is approaching as I cross the road. That sort of thing. I seldom assume it has any particular creative intent behind it, though oration and spoken poetry being obvious exceptions.

Sound is intrinsic to everyday life, something that I am never more acutely aware of than when I have a migraine and every sound, no matter how small, spears me to my core. If sound is all around us, then creation too must be all around us. Every sound has the promise of something more, of new beginnings, of a new world, but only if we have the ears to hear it.

On the Sofa

Day 208 - 7:37pm, 28 July 2019

Today might just about count as my laziest day ever. I got up to see to the online grocery shop arriving, helped put it away and then spent the remainder of the day curled up on the sofa, apart from finally going to take my picture at the bridge over the Water of Leith after tea. I've maxed out at an unheard of 3,500 odd steps.

Do I feel more rested because of it? More raring to go and get stuck into all the housework and administration that needs dealing with? Probably not. But I know it's what I needed for today and I am grateful for a family that let's me do it every once in a while. It's helped me understand how hubby must feel when I am booking his calendar out, when all he wants to do is retreat to his desk. Will it stop me from arranging things? Again, probably not, but I hope I will be a bit more understanding of his point of view before I do sign us up to things.

Low Flying Clouds

Day 207 - 8:44am, 27 July 2019

Does anyone else hold romantic notions of family days out? Of how wonderfully relaxing, stress-free and brimming with happiness the whole day is going to be? This is so me at the point I sign up to something, meaning I can genuinely look forward to it for weeks before the event. Then, on the day, around about the time we are trying to marshall the troops out the door, I suddenly remember the full horror of what is likely to lie ahead. 

And I freely admit, I'm as much to blame for this as the kids. First off, I don't do well with crowds. I never have. Having to keep your eye on three kids, one of whom is autistic and more susceptible to either wandering off or getting lost because he is in his own wee world, terrifies me. The busier it is, the bigger the crowds, the more on-alert I am. And with your nerves nicely fried, that's when sensory bombardment, in the form of loud music and flashing lights, is the tipping point.

Today we visited the National Airshow at East Fortune. The day was punctuated with crowds and loud noises, lots of hanging around waiting for planes - half of which were cancelled due to the low cloud - and not knowing what we were doing. But, we made it through, bumps and all, and really the worse thing to happen was Little Miss' spectacularly muddy bum when she slipped down a grassy mound. On the plus side, Little Master got his photo taken with Darth Vader and bumped into a friend. Little Mister shot an airgun and saw his friend too. And Little Miss loved the giant, bouncy slide. Daddy even got to see a plane or two.

Was it a success? Yes, I think it was. We took three children and brought them back without major injury. And I have a full year to recover should we think about taking them again. Plenty time for my head to edit out any of the wobbles along the way and for me to take a note of when the advance booking line opens for 2020.

Out of Step

Day 206 - 6:59pm, 26 July 2019

Peak tourist season is fast approaching. I can measure its proximity by how long it takes me to travel home from work. On average, the bus should take between twenty to thirty minutes and as the buses should be every ten to fifteen minutes, we are usually looking at a journey of forty-five minutes all told.

Today, it took seventy minutes. I thought I was being smart by hopping on a bus up to Princes Street to catch the bus from there, but with no buses due within the next ten minutes and the queue snaking out long beyond the shelter, I opt to round the corner to the Mound, where I can also get a bus from. Turns out, I must have just missed it, so I start to walk. I stop frequently, either to check the bus trackers at the bus stops or more often because of the tourists idling on the pavements. I breathe a sigh of relief when I leave them behind me and arrive at Tollcross. 

My bus woes are not over. Having left the Mound with the next bus due in 13 minutes, I arrive at Tollcross having shaved a minute off the waiting time. I decide there is no point walking further, it won't gain me access to any other bus routes so I wait it out. The bus that comes is crowded and I have to stand. I wish now that I had walked the whole way, it would have taken the same length of time. 

Next week I may have no choice but to walk. With the buses due to go on strike on Friday to coincide with the start of the Fringe, I could well be making the journey on foot both ways. Let's hope that headphones and an interesting podcast will be enough to drown out my frustration.

Hot or Cold?

Day 205 - 08:11am, 25 July 2019

It's officially the hottest day in Edinburgh ever and I miss all but a few minutes of it. While the kids and Daddy are at home, creating a mud bath in the back garden, I am in the office literally shivering, thanks to over-enthusiastic air conditioning belting through the ducts over our bank of desks. I nip out briefly at lunchtime to pick up a few messages, get the bus home and by the time I go to Bodybalance at the gym, it is warm but not unbearable. That is the full extent of my sun exposure for the day. What I take away from this is a reminder there's a difference between being somewhere and experiencing something. By not engaging in Edinburgh's hottest day ever, the hottest day didn't happen for me. I wonder what else in life this applies to?

Being Practical

Day 204 - 9:27am, 24 July 2019

A trip to the shops is a necessary evil this afternoon, so to sugar coat it and to wean the kids off their screens, we offer them a drink in a cafe as a part of the package. Eldest is not interested and, because we are trying to promote his independence, we accept this. Middle son says no, mainly because eldest has, but we don't afford him the same freedom. He is coming whether he likes it or not. Youngest is already working out what she is going to have when she gets there.

I take my shopping trolley with me. I may look like your granny, but if it means I can bring home the groceries without having to stop every few yards to rearrange the heavily-weighted bags, then I'm sorry, I'm all for it. Comfort trumps looking cool every time. It reminds me of a colleague's comment the other day when she was slipping out of her trainers (not considered proper business attire in this office) into a pair of 'sensible shoes'. She quipped, "I'm all about the comfort these days." I responded to the tune that I always was, but it makes me sad to think that being practical should somehow be seen as lesser than looking the part.

Paying Out

Day 203 - 9:15pm, 23 July 2019

It’s the hottest day of the year so far and when offered the chance of going anywhere and doing anything, the kids have opted for laser quest. Not just indoors, but industrial never-see-the-light-of-day indoors. I’ve left them to it and so am passing time in reception awaiting their return. I know they are doing okay because the leaderboard updates in real time. Your Nan has scored hundreds in seconds, Nboy is a respectable second and the others are somewhere in the middle. A Toilet has yet to land a bullet.

Off to my left is the arcade, a smorgasbord of flashing neon breakdancing across my peripheral vision and a seascape of sound crashing along my ear canals.

I can see the attraction, but not feel it. My eyes are hooked just as my ears are repelled by it. It brings back memories of childhood summers - rolling 2p coins ceremoniously into a machine in the hope of dislodging the already gathered throng. We never hit the jackpot, but then I guess we never needed to.

Yet to Spark Joy

Day 202 - 08:02am, 22 July 2019

Monday morning and oh how soon. I wish it was still the weekend. It wasn't that I didn't achieve anything at the weekend, it's just that I feel I should have got through more than I did. I read an article that said that there was to be a Marie Kondo for kids released later this year. I most definitely will be buying this and Santa will be instructed to put it in Little Miss' stocking.

In Perspective

Day 201 - 12:56pm, 21 July 2019

Little Miss set off on her sleepover shortly after Little Miss arrived home from his. Little Mister was at home both days. Bless him! A few years ago, even a year ago, that situation would be unbearable for his autistic little soul. But this weekend, he has been quite sanguine regarding it. Instead, he is focused on his upcoming play date on Tuesday. Some might see it as a small step, but for me the difference is huge. It means that he is learning to gain some perspective by being able to see beyond this particular moment in time. That's huge. I am proud for all he has achieved and will go on achieving.

You Rock!

Day 200 - 11:30am, 20 July 2019

I can honestly say that before today I had never received a text message which says, "You rock!" The text message in question was from another mum with whom I am trying to arrange the details of a play date. My first reaction was to recoil in horror and think of all the reasons why my arranging the play date did not constitute my rocking – my initial suggestion for an activity had been turned down, after all. But then, I thought, what the heck, maybe the fact that I was able to roll with the punches and leave it up to the boys to decide was a pretty rocking attitude after all.

Two thoughts: first, we are too quick to see the negative about ourselves, or perhaps its perceived politeness that makes us reticent about acknowledging our own contribution, even over something as trivial as this. And, second, receiving that text message made me smile. Two little words were enough to brighten my day. It just shows how easy it is to support one another and give each other a little boost. So, from now, I’m going to make sure I tell people just how much they rock too.

Get Back to It

Day 199 - 07:44 am, 19 July 2019

I've been struggling to settle back into a proper routine since returning to work this week, going to bed far beyond my usual bedtime. (Prior to kids, I was a 10pm or fall down bedtime type of girl, but it's forever been pushed back since their arrival.) It's not been helped by trying to catch up on the backlog of re-runs of House on TV once the kids are in bed. I'm not sure if that is the cause of my inability to settle or a symptom of it. But as today turned into a three latte day with a bacon roll for my breakfast, I have been pushed to my keep-going limits and I know that I will need to get my act into gear next week if I am to regain a sense of full functioning.

Step Right In

Day 198 - 08:16am, 18 July 2019

Having woken early this morning, I return to sleep to await my alarm. It dutifully goes off as expected, but less expected is that I fall straight back asleep when I switch it off. Thankfully, one of the kids begins to move around upstairs and reawakens me before it is too late. However, it means the morning routine is set aside in favour of getting out the front door to work as soon as I reasonably can. 

In taking the photo I notice that the driftwood from the recent flooding has been cleared from its chosen resting place at the foot of the tree on the opposing riverbank (you can just about see it stacked against the sides of the wall). I wonder too at how quickly the little island has recovered. The water-trampled strip of grass has been superseded by the next generation of greenery, which takes no care or joy in the demise of its predecessors, rather taking full advantage of the opportunity that has presented itself.

Room for Beer?

Day 197 - 9:30pm, 17 July 2019

Someone shared Stephen Covey's bucket filling metaphor at work today. It's all about putting the big rocks in first, then less important things (the pebbles), finally the fillers (sand), and after everything else, somebody pours in beer so that it can end with lighthearted moral, there's always room for beer.

I have so many issues with Covey on his illustration. His bucket is empty to begin with and the contents - each of which is easily identifiable by all and doesn't change form readily - are added in a controlled manner. That state simply doesn't exist in the real world. None of my buckets are ever empty, and surely a lot of the friction we encounter is because there is no shared agreement over how to categorise objects, nor can we assume that a 'rock' will always be a 'rock'. And it would be great if tasks and people would form an orderly queue, but again, you just have to roll with the punches on that one.

Okay, I'm probably reading too much into this one, but it's a very limiting mindset to think that it is all about what you can pack in or contain. At some point, you are going to hit a physical limit as to what you can add and how differentiated you can be: one full bucket looks much like any other, whatever the contents. The question we need to ask ourselves is whether we are bucket filling for the sake of bucket filling. 

Perhaps it's less about the order in which ingredients are added and more about seeing beyond the bucket, to imagining how we can build something big, bold and beautiful? If we must keep the bucket, let's up end it and sit on it Oor Wullie style! That way we are not focused on maintaining the illusion of control, but enjoying the moment as is, and open to the possibilities of how we shape the future.

But parting thought, if the moral of the story is as Covey jokes about beer, then it must be never drink beer that has been sieved through a full bucket. It's not going to be fit for purpose: if it doesn't kill you, it isn't going to taste nice!!!

Tree Therapy

Day 188 - 08:50am, 8 July 2019

A bit of a nostalgia trip today. When we lived in our last flat round the corner, we used to lie in our bed and watch this one tree over by the canal bending and bowing in the wind. There was a row of houses in between, which meant we couldn't see the canal or anything that happened on the canal, just the top of this tree.

Walking back from taking today's photo, I suddenly realised that this must be the very tree. What surprises me most, more than the fact that I hadn't twigged the fact that this was OUR tree, was that it is situated on the far side of the canal. I'd always assumed that it was on the side closest to us because that's where the rest of the trees are. I try to decide if the tree looks bigger because it is close up or because it has grown in the intervening 12 years. I don't come to any conclusion, but I am nostalgic for those lazy Sunday afternoons spent reading the papers, with the cats cuddled in close and the tree waving back at us.

Showing Your True Colours

Day 187 - 6:27pm, 7 July 2019

Today, I decide to reverse my usual route to the Water of Leith and so go via the canal, rather than returning by it. In the week that we have been away the 'weeds' along the river bank have multiplied and shot up to the extent that I can barely see the actual water in the canal behind them. It seems there are flowers in bloom everywhere, along the banks and in people's gardens, all of which are thrown into bright relief by the distinct light of the early evening summer-sunshine. I do my best to drink in the vibrancy of those colours so that I can recreate them in my mind on those days when the sun's caressing rays seem distant or I feel forlorn. I take lots of pictures, just in case I need to jolt my memory in the days to come. The world is beautiful, even the weeds, which I find all the more beautiful for having sprung up where they are of their own volition. Nobody has tended or cared for them, yet this does not prevent their standing tall, proudly displaying their true colours to all who pass by.

The canal in bloom

A Summer Stroll

Day 196 - 5:06pm, 16 July 2019

Okay, I admit it, I failed. I did not go down to the Water of Leith today, and not for any grand reason, other than I completely forgot to do so. Instead, here is a photo I took walking back from the dentist along the canal. The kids had stopped outside the student accommodation in the hope of using the outdoor gym equipment, but only Little Mister is of sufficient height as to allow him to use the equipment effectively. Still, this did not stop the other two trying, which allowed me to take a moment out to photograph the quilt of wildflowers beside it. Dots of red, blue, purple, pink, white and yellow drizzled over a carpet of green, through which patches of earth did their best to shine through. A happy summer's moment. 

Staying Within Your Limits

Day 195 - 07:59am, 15 July 2019

I spent tonight writing a poem for a competition to win a place on a creative writing workshop at the Edinburgh Book Festival. There is a fifty word limit, that's not a lot, and I have never been good at brevity. Not when it comes to words, anyway. I like to take great circular sweeps at my subject until I find my groove. Admittedly this means I tend to over-write, but then I enjoy the subsequent challenge of pairing it back and polishing it into something I can hopefully be proud of. Anyway, for better or worse, this is where my fifty words took me.

"On the Page"

It's said without ears to hear it,

A falling tree makes 

No sound, only vibrations.

Unless eyes are trained on it,

Poetry makes no sense, 

Existing, if at all, as marks.

So, who's the poet, if it's because
Of your lack of perception
That this poem ceases to be?

It's the Little Things

Day 194 - 8:03pm, 14 July 2019

It's back to work tomorrow, and I have the end-of-the-holiday blues. It's not the thought of going to work so much as the thought of not being at home. It is hard to be the one working while everyone else is at play. The pay off however, I remind myself is that I will get to drink hot coffee (most likely uninterrupted) and I will be able to get out of the door in the morning much faster than trying to coordinate three other bodies out of the door. It's the little things that count.

Filling Our Days

Day 193 - 11:20am, 13 July 2019

I need to go buy theatre tokens to give to my Aunt for her birthday; we are seeing her at my Mum and Dad's for tea later on. Little Miss also has a play date to be taken to. It means a quick bus trip to the theatre and back, followed almost immediately by walking her round to her friend's house.  Two jobs off the tick list, more to come.

Little Miss, in particular, has a better social life than we do, which is probably as it should be, but it can be pretty exhausting for the rest of us. Ferrying her and her brothers here there and everywhere, and trying to remember who is doing what when saps your energy as it does your time. I had hoped the summer holidays would allow for some respite, but the calendar is filling up faster than I can keep up with it. Two weeks in and I am already looking forward to them going back to school and all their clubs so at least there is some sort of predictable structure to each week. 

King of the Castle

Day 192 - 2:38pm, 12 July 2019

I get so caught up with going to the castle today, I forgot to take a photo at the Water of Leith. So, instead, this is one of the views taken from Edinburgh Castle. Remarkably, the rain you see over Fife never headed this way and we basked in the sunshine the whole afternoon, with only the odd rainspot thrown in.

Happy to go Home

Day 191 - 7:32pm, 11 July 2019

Today's staycation involves a trip to Ryze, a trampoline park in Dalkeith. When asked where they want to go for lunch after, they opt for the local supermarket. We over ride them and so we head for a late lunch in Peebles instead. We beat the rain there - just! After a half-hearted walk along the high street, we retreat to Costa. Once we find something that everyone can eat, we sit down and enjoy lunch, accompanied by screaming toddler behind us. I am so glad that we have passed that stage.

We head for the playpark to appease the younger too, but the rain has other ideas. We would persevere, but they would not, so we give in and head for home. As we do, I tell them about the time I visited Peebles to see their grandma and grandpa who were staying there on holiday. I was pregnant with Little Miss but as we hadn't told them, I spent the day trying to hide my nausea, without them guessing. I was very glad that day to get back in the car and head for home, just as they are happy to be heading home now.

Loved and Lost, My Lovely

Day 190 - 5:38pm, 10 July 2019

Apollo (aka Polly) went to the vet today but did not come back. I feel guilty that he is dead and guilty that I let him spend half his life with someone else. I didn't expect his death to hit me this hard. I effectively lost him five or six years or go, and I haven't really given him a second thought in the past couple of years. 

You don't know what you have until it is completely out of reach. I miss his purr, his clambering aboard my chest and plonking himself as close to my face as he can muster, an incredible and irrepressible ball of fluff, with total trust in me. He was my baby before I had my own. RIP little fellow, rest in peace. 

Monkey Mind

Day 189 - 1:31pm, 9 July 2019

It's funny the things you see that are only there in your head. Take the crawling monkey with a youngster on its back, for instance. Once my mind has decided that this what I am seeing, there's no way to unsee it, despite my head also yelling that it's a fallen branch and that's what it looks like. 

Logic aside, I like seeing my monkey crawling across the banks of the Water of Leith, it keeps me smiling, despite the rain.

A Fresh Start

Day 186 - 5:20pm, 6 July 2019

Back home! As good as it was to be on holiday, I so love that just home feeling, returning to a silent house waiting to be filled . . . 

It's All Too Much

Day 185 - 8:04pm, 5 July 2019

Last night of the holidays and packing for home. It is so much quicker to pack at this end than it was to come here. Even though I didn't think we had overpacked, I am still here re-packing books, writing pads and craft kits that I never touched. The time has finally come to get serious about clearing out the house so that next time the packing bit will be as just as easy as the repacking phase.

The Perfect Life

Day 184 - 6:54pm, 4 July 2019

A very brief walk on Seahouses beach this evening followed by fish and chips from the takeaway. If I was to have a dream house it would be in sight of a beach that I would walk on every day. Until then, once we're home, I'll make do with my mini nature walks along my tiny patch of the Water of Leith and the Union Canal every day.

Saying my Peace

Day 183 - 12:30pm, 3 Juy 2019

It's the turn of the tidal island of Lindisfarne - or "Indiscipline" as my spellcheck would have it - otherwise known as Holy Island, another family favourite.

Lindisfarne never fails to disappoint. No matter how busy the island gets, and it does, the visitors never seem to compromise its peacefulness, nor detract from the sense that the place is devoid of time. Of course, it most definitely isn't, as anyone who has ever witnessed the mass exodus of bodies and cars that occurs when the causeway is about to flood will know.

We have only ever been on Lindesfarne when it can be reached from the mainland, but staying on the island when it is fully adrift from the mainland is definitely on the bucket list for another year.

Reflections

Day 182 - 1:02pm, 2 July 2019

Today we take a trip into Berwick-Upon-Tweed. On the list of things to do: walk around the wall, time at the play park, lunch at The Leaping Salmon, a visit to the toy shop and WH Smiths, rounded off with an ice cream. It's a well-established routine, one we have done many times before and will no doubt do many times again.

The view in the photo is looking over toward Spittal, with the clouds reflected in the water. It's amazing how different things look when you see them in reflection. That's why taking time out to stop and consider things from a different perspective is always helpful. It helps you see things you wouldn't otherwise see.

A Warm Heart, A Cold Sea

Day 181 - 7:58pm, 1 July 2019

Today's picture is taken on Beadnell beach where we go wandering along after dinner. It's the simple things in life. The chance to walk along a beautiful beach with the people that you love. It doesn't get much better than that (though warmer sea water would be much appreciated).

In Search of Tommy Noddy

Day 180 - 6:01pm, 30 June 2019

As we are on holiday for this week, the pictures will all have to be guest spots. Today's picture is taken at the side of Bamburgh Castle, looking out to the Farne Islands. You may just about be able to determine the rainbow to the left of the image, it's faint but it was definitely there.

The wildlife of choice for this area of Northumberland are the seals and puffins, known locally as Tommy Noddy due to their head action when they walk. We see neither, but we do see a rabbit and its young playing in the grass near to the play park. I take a photo of them as our young play behind me in the play park. I like to think that Mummy (or maybe it's Daddy!) Rabbit, when she clocks me, is giving me a knowing nod, before they all move on.

A Cover Up

Day 179 - 08:42am, 29 June 2019

Taking the photo early, before going off on holidays later today. Of course, not wanting to make things easy for myself, I have chosen to put myself under needless pressure by having signed up the two youngest to a slime-making workshop at Hobbycraft.

It takes over an hour to get there because the bus runs only once every half hour and we have a bit of a walk to get to the bus stop. Worried that we might miss the bus, we take the safe option and hop on a passing bus, which takes us to our bus stop. This means that we arrive there a lot earlier than I anticipated meaning we have nearly the full half hour to wait for our bus.

The workshop runs for half an hour and we are the only ones who attend. The assistant is lovely and tries hard to make the slime. Unfortunately, although it looks like it has set, it quickly develops a sweating problem, and despite repeated draining, by the time we get them home an hour later, we bin them. A morning gone.

This leaves a couple of hours to get the rest of the holiday clobber together and get the house tidied up. Yes, I may be in my forties, but the thought of mum and dad checking on the house when I am on holiday is still enough to send me in a cleaning up frenzy. It is down to the wire and so I opt in the end to shove the remainder of untouched piles in wardrobes and storage bags. That will be a nice treat for me to clear once we get home! 

Full of Sunshine

Day 178 - 4:06pm, 28 June 2019

An historical day for our family in that it was eldest's last day of primary school, which meant we got to go into school to see them presented with their year books in assembly, followed by watching a piper pipe them out of school for the last time. There was an emotional moment or two, and it seems strangely auspicious that the sun is shining full volume.

The short term doesn't look so rosy (but it will be worth once we are away!) With the kids off to a summer party, I spend an hour or so supposedly packing my holiday stuff, but in reality get sidetracked into searching for a missing poem, which I don't find. Then I go to get my hair cut, followed by picking up the nippers, dinner and then getting them off to bed, which means foregoing the chance to pack their holiday clothes. I decide to get an early night and to tackle packing full tilt tomorrow.

Drawing a Line Under It

Day 177 - 07:21am, 27 June 2019

Last day of work before the holidays! Lots to be done, not a lot of time to do it. Still, I am determined not to take any away with me, not to check my work emails while away and so to switch off completely. It may be a late night . . .

Sneezing Through It

Day 176 - 09:51am, 26 June 2019

We are approaching the end of the 100-day step challenge. With holidays cutting off the end of it, I am keen to hit my step count ahead of going away. Today ends up being my best step count yet - over 40,000 thanks to school pick ups, picking up shopping and then walking there and back to a meeting in town.

And, it's all with having a cold. Not just any old cold, mind you, this is on the scale of man flu. Every bit of me aches, I have sneezed more in the last 24 hours than I have in the past year, and I am nowhere near where I want to be in terms of finishing work off or getting packed. But we push on, because giving up now is not on my list of options.

Lying Flat

Day 175 - 9:58am, 25 June 2019

Yesterday was a day of flash flooding, but being at work and on a course, I managed to miss it all. As a result, today the Water of Leith is more than double its usual height. It is an impressive sight. I only wish I had seen it in full throttle and been able to take a picture then. The grass on the island has been flattened by the water coursing over it, leaving behind a pile of debris on the island's solitary tree. The more established tree that normally stands proud on the riverbank finds itself marooned, with water round all sides and a stash of debris caught round its trunk. The water continues to push its way forward at such a rate that I could swear I felt seasick. I wonder how long it will take to return to its usual state.

A Good Story

Day 174 - 07:49am, 24 June 2019

I am on a storytelling course at work today which is great fun. One of the exercises involves each of us reading the same extract from Steinbeck's The Pearl as if we were reading a bedtime story. I nail it, loving the opportunity to gently tease my voice over the words as if to put the others to sleep.

I have been reading bedtime stories for many years. I've learned every trick of the trade - keep your voice slow and steady, no sudden movements and make plenty room for pauses (in the vain hope that they may have fallen asleep and you can stop there). At bedtime, it is less about what you say and more about how you say it, which is a pity because we are currently re-reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory of a night time and it doesn't really suit a slow and sleepy reading. But I don't care, there are some moments that it is worth the kids staying up a bit later for.

When the Water Comes

Day 173 - 6:07pm, 23 June 2019

The water is so low on the left-hand side of the river that it looks as if there has been a thin layer of varnish painted onto the riverbed. The stones which peak above the water are grey and matt, but those on the underside have taken on a new lease of life, reflecting the light and showing off their dark side.

It does not take much to change their appearance, a covering of water and the stones are transformed. But it is not a destiny they can control. A little more water and they will be obscured by the running water, a little less and they will dry out.

There are times when I too feel cold, matte and grey. At those times, it is tempting to sit passively and wait for the healing touch of a river to cover me. But it is no way to live, because unlike the stones I am observing, I can exert some control over my destiny. And today, I choose to shine of my own volition.

Making a Song and Dance About It

Day 172 - 5:45pm, 22 June 2019

Little Mister's primary prom is two days away. I loathe the word "prom", because it over-inflates, not the significance of the occasion it marks, but the need for celebration. It's one thing as a young adult to have a high school prom, to get it dressed up in all your finery to mark your exit from childhood into adulthood, but it's quite another as a primary school leaver to be making a big song and dance about it.

Don't get me wrong, I am as proud as any other parent as to how they have grown and matured over their seven years together at the school, but does it warrant clubbing together to shell out hundreds to hire limos as some parents are doing? Particularly in a school where there is a range of incomes, this is the one activity in their entire school career thus far that has the potential to split the children starkly between the haves and have nots. Hardly the high you would hope on which to end their primary career.

Setting a New Record

Day 171 - 5:15pm, 21 June 2019

You would think that after seven years at primary school eldest would be able to bring a letter home from school, particularly one which needs a quick turnaround on our part. It seems not, so after a plea on a What'sApp group yesterday, I find myself doctoring another parent's response so that we too can return the form on time. 

After having given him a hard time regarding his forgetfulness, it turns out that the fault lies not with him, but in the letter not being handed out to his class. Middle child goes one better, however. He has obviously been told to clear out his tray ahead of the end of term, the net result of which is I find a letter inviting us to attend a seminar on autism and restricted eating - something that would have been very useful - had it not taken place over three months ago. 

Who's the Daddy?

Day 165 - 5:57pm, 16 June 2019

It's Father's Day. I must admit, I nearly forgot. It only occurred to me while I was in the shops this morning and saw a display of Father's Day cards. And, either I wasn't the only one who had forgotten or the store had massively overstocked. I did, however, already have a card and unmade present sitting waiting at home for him. Cue rushing home, card signed and kids prompted to make their present.

Being mega organised, albeit a little scatty, I rescued the dropbox frame from the 'to go upstairs' pile sprawling on the stair landing and gave the kids wooden hearts to write loving messages to Dad of why they loved him, what they liked about him and anything they enjoyed doing with him. It's always a bit of a 'hold your breath and see what happens' moment with an autistic child, because he's likely to give it to you as it is, the full unedited, warts and all version.

Little Miss emphasises all the things Daddy does, like show her how to play the piano (though there is a particularly sweet, "I love everything about you" from her); Little Mister goes predominantly for character traits, such as resilience and your sense of humour. Little Master's hearts need a little deciphering. Turns out that "Your small dad" is actually a reference to his intelligence ("smart") and not  to his height. But "Dad is cool" sums up how we all feel about him. Happy Father's Day!

In Search of Summer

Day 169 - 7:49pm, 19 June 2019

An hour after taking this and the weather has flipped from sunshine to heavy shower. I am glad I came home when I did. Roll on the official start of summer in a couple of days, let's hope it brings a little more here-to-stay sunshine. I am not bothered about getting a tan but there is something very uplifting about feeling the sun's rays on your skin. In small doses of course, because as much as I long for sunshine, I don't like heat. Some people are just never satisfied. 

A Healthy Interest

Day 168 - 8:29pm, 18 June 2019

Little Mister is on the first of his transition days for high school. Little Miss, bless her soul, is keen to walk with him. As I say no, she settles for accosting two of his friends on the way home to find out how it went. It's a good question and one Little Mister is keen to discourage. The only details he finds easy to recall is what he ate from the school canteen - a slice of pizza and a cookie. Maybe not the healthiest choice, but at least he found something that he liked. And he says he liked his new school too, eventually, after much probing from his Dad.

Not a Morning Person

Day 167 - 5:35am, 17 June 2019

Little Mister has his three-day high school transition days tomorrow. I am not consciously aware of worrying about it, but being wide awake so early on and unable to return to sleep probably belies it. I lie reading for an hour before deciding to get up and begin my day. It is a lovely peaceful start, but not so sublime an experience as to tempt me to consider making it a regular occurrence. This girl is definitely an after half-past-six person.

Bringing History to Life

Day 166 - 7:56am, 20 June 2019

We went to see Horrible Histories in the theatre at the weekend. Hubby takes eldest to see the Tudor version in the morning and I take youngest and her friend in the afternoon for the Egyptians. Middle son opts not to go for either, which is a relief because a bored son does not make for a good viewing experience for the rest of us.

Of course, because we want to be away from trampolining promptly, Little Miss has to stay behind. I think that is going to be the worst of our worries, until Little Miss promptly gets frightened at the special effects at the theatre and knocks her glasses off. I spend the next five minutes on hands and knees trying to find them. No joy, but thankfully at lights up at the end, her friend finds them. The use of 3D glasses certainly brought a new meaning to the phrase "bringing history to life", even if it nearly gave us a heart attack. I can't help but wish history had been taught in this manner when I was a child.