Reliving the Past

Day 234 - 7:58am, 23 August 2019

I used lunchtime as an excuse to wander around the West End craft fair. I leave it without purchasing anything, but with my spirit lifted nonetheless. My favourite stall is that of the textile artist Jennie Loudon. Her pointed-face dolls remind me of the drawings in a book of Scottish fairy-tales from my childhood. One day when I am feeling more flush, I will commission her to make a doll for me and it will sit on my desk and inspire me to reconnect with the myths and stories of my childhood, which first introduced me to the wonders of storytelling. 

In Charge

Day 233 - 5:12pm, 22 August 2019

I have been going to the gym, or at least some of the exercise classes at the leisure centre, for two or three years now. Over time, you get to know the faces of the regulars and exchange pleasantries with them. Someone asked me tonight what year class I was teaching this year - there are a number of teachers that attend that class, but I am not one of them. This amused me. Do I give out a teacher vibe? If indeed there is such a thing? Turns out, one day she'd seen me on a school trip and assumed that I was a teacher, rather than a parent helper. I must just have been giving out authoritarian vibes that day, if only my own children would also see this in me.

The Back to School Curse

Day 232 - 5:22pm, 21 August 2019

I love how when the school calls you, the conversation generally starts with a "Don't worry!" And so it was today. My aunt and I had just set off in search of our Wednesday coffee when I get a phone call to say Little Miss has nits and is very upset by this, so do I want to speak to her as she is there in the office? I resist the urge to say, "No!!!" - but needless to say not the knee-jerk reaction to scratch my own head - and dutifully tell her we will deal with the critters later, so to go back to class, keep her hair in a ponytail in the meantime and all will be well. 

Oh well, I might have known we wouldn't navigate the back to school without having little visitors to greet us. Pass the greasy liquid, it's going to be a long night of fevered combing!

Sparking the Imagination

Day 230 - 6:33pm, 19 August 2019

My new favourite past-time is writing creative prompts on lollipop sticks. I'm setting up a workshop for work and so decided to create some d-i-y prompt sticks for the brainstorming sessions. 

Having previously used Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies box of cards at a training session, I thought it might be a fun idea to create my own. The idea behind them is that when you get stuck in a rut and can't come up with a fresh solution, the randomness of the aphorism on the card gives a new angle to help generate new ideas. 

My prompt making has got a little out of hand, however! Given that there were only eight of us going to be there, there is little chance of us needing more than 100 sticks (and that was pushing it!), but I stopped around 300. Everywhere I went today, random phrases have leapt out at me. I love finding the tiny details that others miss and connecting them in odd ways. So many thoughts, so many poems waiting to be written, all from tiny sparks.

A River Roars By

Day 229 - 18 August 2019

My lazy weekend continues, only interrupted by a failed trip to the Water of Leith to take my photo - as I take my iPhone out of my coat pocket, I discover it is out of juice! And, as it is after tea, I feel this excuses me from making a second attempt. So, for today I'm afraid, you will have to settle for a photo taken earlier this month and imagine the river at its height, with me gliding peacefully along beside it.

Read Through

Day 228 - 10:37am, 17 August 2019

Summer holidays are well and truly over as all the kids' clubs start up again. But, in the house, we are otherwise doing our best to do as little as possible. It gives me the opportunity to read Nine Pints straight through. It's been ages since I've found the time to do this and I realise how much I've missed having the space to take things slowly, to idle lazily on the battered leather-sofa and be transported further than I have ever physically travelled. From now on, self care suggests I should be making time for a read-a-book-in-one weekend at least once each month. It'll never happen, but it's a nice thought to hang on to.

Blood Red

Day 227 - 5:27pm, 16 August 2019

Rose George was at the Edinburgh Book Festival today discussing and reading from her latest book, Nine Pints. As is often the case with these sort of things, there was time left at the end for the audience to ask questions. It's funny the things people want to focus on during these times - especially when you have all the questions in the world open to you, and a huge topic like blood that you can take in so many directions, what insightful, searching question do you ask? (And always, with double the number of words that it should require.) Of course, you query whether the author  is wearing red trousers because they are talking about blood? Part of me wonders if this was asked because she was a woman. As she pointed out, the male host was also wearing red too, just darker. Something that the audience member had completely failed to observe. 

The Best Medicine

Day 226 - 5:15pm, 15 August 2019

I saw the comedian Harriet Dyer perform today. She was exploring mental health issues through her stand up comedy. She reminded me of Robin Williams, with her exuberance, and her ability to scrunch and rescrunch her face in service of her comedy. I could not help wondering if retelling her less-than-happy experiences over and over sets her free or means she never really moves on from them?  I am sure in giving voice to mental health issues she will help others to speak and to laugh too, maybe that is enough to give her meaning. And, after all, is that not what we are all looking for.

Swiftly Comes the Night

Day 224 - 9:27pm, 13 August 2019

The night is catching up on us. I can't believe that it is not yet 9:30pm and the light has almost gone from the sky. My window in which to take a (meaningful) photo is shrinking, so from now on I must try and remember, unlike today, to go to my photo-taking spot during the working day. Although some way off it is a reminder that winter is padding ever closer, hiding behind the skirts of autumn, ready to blanket us in darkness and illuminate us in artificial light. But, on the plus side, it makes putting the kids to bed easier.

The Sky Belongs to Them

Day 225 - 9:09pm, 14 August 2019

Walking back from the Water of Leith, I am greeted by a colony of seagulls, who are kyrie-ing loudly as they pass over my head. I wonder that they should be here, especially in such large numbers. I count over 30 and then give in and estimate there must be close to 100 all told. We are miles from the sea and I cannot think of any food source nearby that would have attracted them. They are making a heck of a racket, but you have to admire them. Wings outstretched, the sky is their's and they are not afraid who knows it. Take them or leave them, these white flying griffons really don't care.

I See You

Day 223 - 7:13pm, 12 August 2019

Everyone should read Caroline Criado Perez's eye-opening book Invisible Women. The book exposes the gender bias in data sets and why not including women in data sets can have serious consequences, from missed opportunities to diagnose heart attacks in women to greater odds of dying or being seriously injured in a car crash. In a world largely designed by and for 'reference man', and where AI is learning from these skewed data sets, Caroline points out, while never losing her humour or seeking to attribute blame, just how sexist the man-made world is. (Yes, she shows how even snow clearing can be sexist!) And, once she points it out and you see it for yourself, there is no unseeing it. But as knowledge is power that has to be a good thing.

Paper Perfect

Day 222 - 4:55pm, 11 August 2019

With kids getting ready to go back to school and all the clubs and engagements about to start, it seemed a good idea to go for the big calendar update. So having bought a new weekly calendar, which starts in August 2019 and goes through to December 2020, I sit down to an afternoon of event scheduling. I am tired just writing it all down! Still, it feels better to get it all down on paper. It makes it seem as if it's the calendar's responsibility and I no longer have to carry the load.

On Being Noble

Day 221 - 08:11am, 10 August 2019

I had the opportunity to hear Professor Venki Ramakrishnan speak yesterday, a Nobel Prize-winning biologist. I went to it with only a very vague notion of what a ribosome is, and left with a slightly less fuzzy view, other than I now know they are present in every cell and are the ones to build proteins. This, apparently, makes them very important.

Rather than a greater understanding of science, what I took from him, was a greater understanding of humans as scientists, of how they can be noble in collaboration and cut-throat in competition, that scientists make lots of mistakes, even the good ones (and being a Nobel Prize winner doesn't necessarily make you a great scientist or even the best in your field).

His advice was to seek out the very hard problems that you are passionate about finding the answer for and then you go after them, because that is what will keep you motivated during the long and difficult quest to find the answers.

Changing Priorities

Day 220 - 5:06pm, 9 August 2019

I thought there were a couple of interesting figures in Ofcom's recent Media Nations report. The one that surprised me most, however, was the sheer amount of audio/video content people in the UK are consuming - 7.5 hours per day! - 4 hours 34 minutes of video content and roughly 3 hours of audio content. I must have serious time management issues because I cannot imagine having that amount of free time in a day. Are people really watching or listening to it, or is it just on in the background? And if you consider it against the average sleeping times, then we are spending more time hooked up to our electronics than we are sleeping. No wonder the world is a little crazy.

Without Boundaries

Day 219 - 7:57am, 8 August 2019

Flitting between kitchen and lounge, I catch a few seconds of an animal documentary on the telly. There is a giraffe trying to use her neck to bat away a group of jackals[?] who are eating the carcass of her dead foal. Sadly, she is outnumbered, and ultimately, they force her away. Hubby, who has been watching the show, says the foal has been dead for a couple of days. My heart goes out to her. Later on, I see a positive affirmation posted on Facebook to advertise a new book by Rebekah Borucki:

"I am a mother. a creator and creation itself. I am the Universe and boundless love."

It strikes an immediate chord, made all the more poignant by having watched another Mama's plight.  As mothers, we were created, we created and now we are creating. It never ends. Love that knows no boundaries, not even recognising death. The stuff of this world and, yet, beyond it. Creation is connected, but complicated. She is infinite love.

A Lot Less Angry

Day 218 - 12:49pm, 7 August 2019

I saw Angry Birds 2 with the two youngest at the cinema today. Eldest is going to see the film with his pals next week and so he and hubby went to see Horrible Histories instead. If I'd have had the choice, I would have joined them, but as someone had to sit with Little Master and Little Miss, I drew the short straw. It's rare that a sequel is better than its predecessor and with the first as dull as dishwasher, I wasn't holding out much hope for this other than as an excuse to sit down for a couple of hours and do nothing. 

Yet, I found myself actually laughing out loud at parts, and not in need of distraction, just the toilet by the end of it. Not wanting to leave them on their own during the film, I braved it out, only for Little Master to announce that he too needs the toilet and, of course, the boys' toilet is at opposite ends of the cinema to the girls' and there's no way, he says, he's going into a girl's toilet because he's far too big for that. So I dutifully cross my legs and wait for what seems like the longest two minutes' of my life. Ah yes, the glamorous side of parenting that nobody ever talks about!

A Sunny Face

Day 217 - 12:46pm, 6 August 2019

We went out shopping this afternoon for Little Mister's blazer; it amused us that all the private school uniforms were out on display in the front shop . . . but we had to ask the assistant to dig out his school's from the back room!

After, we went to a tiny toy shop . . . agghh, claustrophobic . . . followed by second-hand bookshop. Once home, hubby on guitar, second son invaded our bedroom (where I was trying to hide) with his handheld game and its infernal clickety-clack . . . agghh, claustrophobic . . . I go for a walk to clear my head and lift my mood, which has sunk to my boots. I go to Asda to pick up a birthday present and see bunches of sunflowers reduced from £3 to 81p. And that was all it took, bargain price flowers to retrieve my day, I am nothing if not a cheap date.

An Average Night's Sleep

Day 216 - 8:02am, 5 August 2019

According to a recent survey of 2,000 people, the average Briton gets 6 hours and 19 minutes of sleep per night. That makes me average, because according to my Garmin Connect, that's exactly how much sleep I have had over the past seven days. And, as I am yawning as I type this, it's a sure sign that I amn't getting enough sleep. There are some things I don't mind being average for, but sleep is not one of them.

Proud, Happy, Thrilled

Day 215 - 8:43am, 4 August 2019

Having exhausted our supply of House reruns on the Paramount channel, hubby is now trying to clear the moon-landing programmes from the TV recorder. I'd like to say I'm interested, but the truth is I am not. I can appreciate it was a great achievement to land on the moon and walk on it, but I feel no emotional connection to any of it.

I think it is all the talk of "landing a man on the moon". I know it was a function of the times, but despite the 400,000 people NASA estimated it took to get them there, I don't think I am aware of a single female name being mentioned among them. Just lots of pictures of the NASA wives, sat at home, waiting. The men get to travel to the moon, whereas the women are barely allowed to leave their homes for fear of fracturing the public image of the perfect wives and families they were meant to be.

Drawing In

Day 214 - 9:34pm, 3 August 2019

I leave the Water of Leith photo run until after Casualty has finished and it is very definitely dusk, which foolishly enough, I hadn't been expecting. Even in the short time between going and coming back, there is a marked deterioration in the light. The number of cars on the road is beginning to tail off and the few people that pass me by appear to be returning home from social engagements and one in particular, is slightly worse for wear. I decide he is harmless, but cross the road just to be sure. He carries on on his way and I head for home as the streetlamps begin to glow.

Hollywood Ritz

Day 213 - 08:03am, 2nd August 2019

Today was the start of the Edinburgh Festival and we were lucky enough to get tickets for the opening concert at Tynecastle. Gustavo Dudamel conducted the L.A. Phil in what was billed as a "family-friendly" concert. It was too. There were lots of children in the audience for whom I imagine it was their first concert experience. (It was my first time in a football stadium too.) And the usual concert rules of sit quiet and do not move did not seem to apply. Our stand was kept entertained by a toddler who was enjoying the freedom that the pitch offered her to stumble up and down its length, one eye on her mother, baiting her, the other on her audience, milking it. It turns out the concert was seagull friendly too. And they certainly made the best of it, dancing and singing along, causing the conductor to raise a wry smile as and when they overpowered his orchestra. This is the best of what the Edinburgh Festival should be - accessible, world-class and, most of all, prepared not to take itself too seriously.

Showing My Age

Day 212 - 7:58am, 1 August 2019

According to BBC News, it is considered rude/passive aggressive to use a full stop in instant messaging apps. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I tend to avoid group chats. To me, the full stop denotes not just the end of the sentence, it is the pause that shows you have taken the time to edit your thoughts before subjecting the rest of the world to them. Otherwise, it's just a stream of consciousness, which I guess there is nothing wrong with, but I think it feeds an addiction to social media, where you are expected to respond instantly to everything. Nor do I think it encourages linguistic creativity, as the BBC news article suggests, because in taking out that pause, however brief that might be, we are stuck reacting, rather than reflecting, as genuine creativity requires.

Tutu or Not Tutu?

Day 211 - 8:49am, 31 July 2019

Little Miss has been watching an episode of The Simpsons.in which Lisa becomes a ballerina. Suddenly, Little Miss has decided that she too was made to be a ballerina and that she should be having lessons. This is the same girl that each week during term time goes to two gymnastic classes, two trampoline classes and an acro dance class, and who used to do a ballet class but gave it up because, according to her, she hated it. She's also in Edinburgh's junior gang show this year, which means another afternoon gone for rehearsals.

Much as I want to encourage her - she is flexible, graceful and has a natural rhythm - a line has to be drawn. So, I've pointed out that she doesn't have space in her schedule to and re-directed her back to YouTube. My hope is that it has enough free classes on it to keep her going until she realises there's a difference between talent and hard work, and unless she is prepared to combine the pair of them, her future as a ballerina is doomed. However, I suspect by the time she returns to school she will have forgotten all about it. But maybe, I'll wipe that episode of The Simpsons, just to be sure.

All Grown Up

Day 210 - 2:53pm, 30 July 2019

Little Miss (8) announced after tea that she wants to get pregnant as a child. Daddy explained that she couldn't, and even if she could, the baby would be put into care and the daddy would be put in prison because you weren't allowed to have one as a child. This leads her to her asking how do you have a baby. Quick as a flash, Little Master (9) announces, "You have lots of sex!" So shutting down that avenue before he can fill in any further gaps, he proceeds to dispense advice on the life steps she needs to take before she should think about having a child . . . get a job . . . buy a house . . . etc. Little Mister counters with the fact she already has a house. When she is put right as to whose house it is and that she would need her own, she is aghast. Suddenly, being grown up doesn't sound quite as appealing as she was hoping it would be.

Resonance

Day 209 - 6:50pm, 29 July 2019

I listen to part of a John Goldman video in which he talks about sound as the original creative force - "in the beginning was the Word" - and indeed many creation stories from different traditions that suggest that you bring something into being by speaking its name, of creation through sound. And God SAID . . . Even the scientists' BIG BANG has sound in there.

It's not something I've ever thought about. I am not a big music fan, so I guess for me sound generally serves a functional purpose - listening to what others are saying, knowing when traffic is approaching as I cross the road. That sort of thing. I seldom assume it has any particular creative intent behind it, though oration and spoken poetry being obvious exceptions.

Sound is intrinsic to everyday life, something that I am never more acutely aware of than when I have a migraine and every sound, no matter how small, spears me to my core. If sound is all around us, then creation too must be all around us. Every sound has the promise of something more, of new beginnings, of a new world, but only if we have the ears to hear it.

On the Sofa

Day 208 - 7:37pm, 28 July 2019

Today might just about count as my laziest day ever. I got up to see to the online grocery shop arriving, helped put it away and then spent the remainder of the day curled up on the sofa, apart from finally going to take my picture at the bridge over the Water of Leith after tea. I've maxed out at an unheard of 3,500 odd steps.

Do I feel more rested because of it? More raring to go and get stuck into all the housework and administration that needs dealing with? Probably not. But I know it's what I needed for today and I am grateful for a family that let's me do it every once in a while. It's helped me understand how hubby must feel when I am booking his calendar out, when all he wants to do is retreat to his desk. Will it stop me from arranging things? Again, probably not, but I hope I will be a bit more understanding of his point of view before I do sign us up to things.

Low Flying Clouds

Day 207 - 8:44am, 27 July 2019

Does anyone else hold romantic notions of family days out? Of how wonderfully relaxing, stress-free and brimming with happiness the whole day is going to be? This is so me at the point I sign up to something, meaning I can genuinely look forward to it for weeks before the event. Then, on the day, around about the time we are trying to marshall the troops out the door, I suddenly remember the full horror of what is likely to lie ahead. 

And I freely admit, I'm as much to blame for this as the kids. First off, I don't do well with crowds. I never have. Having to keep your eye on three kids, one of whom is autistic and more susceptible to either wandering off or getting lost because he is in his own wee world, terrifies me. The busier it is, the bigger the crowds, the more on-alert I am. And with your nerves nicely fried, that's when sensory bombardment, in the form of loud music and flashing lights, is the tipping point.

Today we visited the National Airshow at East Fortune. The day was punctuated with crowds and loud noises, lots of hanging around waiting for planes - half of which were cancelled due to the low cloud - and not knowing what we were doing. But, we made it through, bumps and all, and really the worse thing to happen was Little Miss' spectacularly muddy bum when she slipped down a grassy mound. On the plus side, Little Master got his photo taken with Darth Vader and bumped into a friend. Little Mister shot an airgun and saw his friend too. And Little Miss loved the giant, bouncy slide. Daddy even got to see a plane or two.

Was it a success? Yes, I think it was. We took three children and brought them back without major injury. And I have a full year to recover should we think about taking them again. Plenty time for my head to edit out any of the wobbles along the way and for me to take a note of when the advance booking line opens for 2020.

Out of Step

Day 206 - 6:59pm, 26 July 2019

Peak tourist season is fast approaching. I can measure its proximity by how long it takes me to travel home from work. On average, the bus should take between twenty to thirty minutes and as the buses should be every ten to fifteen minutes, we are usually looking at a journey of forty-five minutes all told.

Today, it took seventy minutes. I thought I was being smart by hopping on a bus up to Princes Street to catch the bus from there, but with no buses due within the next ten minutes and the queue snaking out long beyond the shelter, I opt to round the corner to the Mound, where I can also get a bus from. Turns out, I must have just missed it, so I start to walk. I stop frequently, either to check the bus trackers at the bus stops or more often because of the tourists idling on the pavements. I breathe a sigh of relief when I leave them behind me and arrive at Tollcross. 

My bus woes are not over. Having left the Mound with the next bus due in 13 minutes, I arrive at Tollcross having shaved a minute off the waiting time. I decide there is no point walking further, it won't gain me access to any other bus routes so I wait it out. The bus that comes is crowded and I have to stand. I wish now that I had walked the whole way, it would have taken the same length of time. 

Next week I may have no choice but to walk. With the buses due to go on strike on Friday to coincide with the start of the Fringe, I could well be making the journey on foot both ways. Let's hope that headphones and an interesting podcast will be enough to drown out my frustration.

Hot or Cold?

Day 205 - 08:11am, 25 July 2019

It's officially the hottest day in Edinburgh ever and I miss all but a few minutes of it. While the kids and Daddy are at home, creating a mud bath in the back garden, I am in the office literally shivering, thanks to over-enthusiastic air conditioning belting through the ducts over our bank of desks. I nip out briefly at lunchtime to pick up a few messages, get the bus home and by the time I go to Bodybalance at the gym, it is warm but not unbearable. That is the full extent of my sun exposure for the day. What I take away from this is a reminder there's a difference between being somewhere and experiencing something. By not engaging in Edinburgh's hottest day ever, the hottest day didn't happen for me. I wonder what else in life this applies to?

Being Practical

Day 204 - 9:27am, 24 July 2019

A trip to the shops is a necessary evil this afternoon, so to sugar coat it and to wean the kids off their screens, we offer them a drink in a cafe as a part of the package. Eldest is not interested and, because we are trying to promote his independence, we accept this. Middle son says no, mainly because eldest has, but we don't afford him the same freedom. He is coming whether he likes it or not. Youngest is already working out what she is going to have when she gets there.

I take my shopping trolley with me. I may look like your granny, but if it means I can bring home the groceries without having to stop every few yards to rearrange the heavily-weighted bags, then I'm sorry, I'm all for it. Comfort trumps looking cool every time. It reminds me of a colleague's comment the other day when she was slipping out of her trainers (not considered proper business attire in this office) into a pair of 'sensible shoes'. She quipped, "I'm all about the comfort these days." I responded to the tune that I always was, but it makes me sad to think that being practical should somehow be seen as lesser than looking the part.

Paying Out

Day 203 - 9:15pm, 23 July 2019

It’s the hottest day of the year so far and when offered the chance of going anywhere and doing anything, the kids have opted for laser quest. Not just indoors, but industrial never-see-the-light-of-day indoors. I’ve left them to it and so am passing time in reception awaiting their return. I know they are doing okay because the leaderboard updates in real time. Your Nan has scored hundreds in seconds, Nboy is a respectable second and the others are somewhere in the middle. A Toilet has yet to land a bullet.

Off to my left is the arcade, a smorgasbord of flashing neon breakdancing across my peripheral vision and a seascape of sound crashing along my ear canals.

I can see the attraction, but not feel it. My eyes are hooked just as my ears are repelled by it. It brings back memories of childhood summers - rolling 2p coins ceremoniously into a machine in the hope of dislodging the already gathered throng. We never hit the jackpot, but then I guess we never needed to.

Yet to Spark Joy

Day 202 - 08:02am, 22 July 2019

Monday morning and oh how soon. I wish it was still the weekend. It wasn't that I didn't achieve anything at the weekend, it's just that I feel I should have got through more than I did. I read an article that said that there was to be a Marie Kondo for kids released later this year. I most definitely will be buying this and Santa will be instructed to put it in Little Miss' stocking.

In Perspective

Day 201 - 12:56pm, 21 July 2019

Little Miss set off on her sleepover shortly after Little Miss arrived home from his. Little Mister was at home both days. Bless him! A few years ago, even a year ago, that situation would be unbearable for his autistic little soul. But this weekend, he has been quite sanguine regarding it. Instead, he is focused on his upcoming play date on Tuesday. Some might see it as a small step, but for me the difference is huge. It means that he is learning to gain some perspective by being able to see beyond this particular moment in time. That's huge. I am proud for all he has achieved and will go on achieving.

You Rock!

Day 200 - 11:30am, 20 July 2019

I can honestly say that before today I had never received a text message which says, "You rock!" The text message in question was from another mum with whom I am trying to arrange the details of a play date. My first reaction was to recoil in horror and think of all the reasons why my arranging the play date did not constitute my rocking – my initial suggestion for an activity had been turned down, after all. But then, I thought, what the heck, maybe the fact that I was able to roll with the punches and leave it up to the boys to decide was a pretty rocking attitude after all.

Two thoughts: first, we are too quick to see the negative about ourselves, or perhaps its perceived politeness that makes us reticent about acknowledging our own contribution, even over something as trivial as this. And, second, receiving that text message made me smile. Two little words were enough to brighten my day. It just shows how easy it is to support one another and give each other a little boost. So, from now, I’m going to make sure I tell people just how much they rock too.

Get Back to It

Day 199 - 07:44 am, 19 July 2019

I've been struggling to settle back into a proper routine since returning to work this week, going to bed far beyond my usual bedtime. (Prior to kids, I was a 10pm or fall down bedtime type of girl, but it's forever been pushed back since their arrival.) It's not been helped by trying to catch up on the backlog of re-runs of House on TV once the kids are in bed. I'm not sure if that is the cause of my inability to settle or a symptom of it. But as today turned into a three latte day with a bacon roll for my breakfast, I have been pushed to my keep-going limits and I know that I will need to get my act into gear next week if I am to regain a sense of full functioning.

Step Right In

Day 198 - 08:16am, 18 July 2019

Having woken early this morning, I return to sleep to await my alarm. It dutifully goes off as expected, but less expected is that I fall straight back asleep when I switch it off. Thankfully, one of the kids begins to move around upstairs and reawakens me before it is too late. However, it means the morning routine is set aside in favour of getting out the front door to work as soon as I reasonably can. 

In taking the photo I notice that the driftwood from the recent flooding has been cleared from its chosen resting place at the foot of the tree on the opposing riverbank (you can just about see it stacked against the sides of the wall). I wonder too at how quickly the little island has recovered. The water-trampled strip of grass has been superseded by the next generation of greenery, which takes no care or joy in the demise of its predecessors, rather taking full advantage of the opportunity that has presented itself.

Room for Beer?

Day 197 - 9:30pm, 17 July 2019

Someone shared Stephen Covey's bucket filling metaphor at work today. It's all about putting the big rocks in first, then less important things (the pebbles), finally the fillers (sand), and after everything else, somebody pours in beer so that it can end with lighthearted moral, there's always room for beer.

I have so many issues with Covey on his illustration. His bucket is empty to begin with and the contents - each of which is easily identifiable by all and doesn't change form readily - are added in a controlled manner. That state simply doesn't exist in the real world. None of my buckets are ever empty, and surely a lot of the friction we encounter is because there is no shared agreement over how to categorise objects, nor can we assume that a 'rock' will always be a 'rock'. And it would be great if tasks and people would form an orderly queue, but again, you just have to roll with the punches on that one.

Okay, I'm probably reading too much into this one, but it's a very limiting mindset to think that it is all about what you can pack in or contain. At some point, you are going to hit a physical limit as to what you can add and how differentiated you can be: one full bucket looks much like any other, whatever the contents. The question we need to ask ourselves is whether we are bucket filling for the sake of bucket filling. 

Perhaps it's less about the order in which ingredients are added and more about seeing beyond the bucket, to imagining how we can build something big, bold and beautiful? If we must keep the bucket, let's up end it and sit on it Oor Wullie style! That way we are not focused on maintaining the illusion of control, but enjoying the moment as is, and open to the possibilities of how we shape the future.

But parting thought, if the moral of the story is as Covey jokes about beer, then it must be never drink beer that has been sieved through a full bucket. It's not going to be fit for purpose: if it doesn't kill you, it isn't going to taste nice!!!

Tree Therapy

Day 188 - 08:50am, 8 July 2019

A bit of a nostalgia trip today. When we lived in our last flat round the corner, we used to lie in our bed and watch this one tree over by the canal bending and bowing in the wind. There was a row of houses in between, which meant we couldn't see the canal or anything that happened on the canal, just the top of this tree.

Walking back from taking today's photo, I suddenly realised that this must be the very tree. What surprises me most, more than the fact that I hadn't twigged the fact that this was OUR tree, was that it is situated on the far side of the canal. I'd always assumed that it was on the side closest to us because that's where the rest of the trees are. I try to decide if the tree looks bigger because it is close up or because it has grown in the intervening 12 years. I don't come to any conclusion, but I am nostalgic for those lazy Sunday afternoons spent reading the papers, with the cats cuddled in close and the tree waving back at us.

Showing Your True Colours

Day 187 - 6:27pm, 7 July 2019

Today, I decide to reverse my usual route to the Water of Leith and so go via the canal, rather than returning by it. In the week that we have been away the 'weeds' along the river bank have multiplied and shot up to the extent that I can barely see the actual water in the canal behind them. It seems there are flowers in bloom everywhere, along the banks and in people's gardens, all of which are thrown into bright relief by the distinct light of the early evening summer-sunshine. I do my best to drink in the vibrancy of those colours so that I can recreate them in my mind on those days when the sun's caressing rays seem distant or I feel forlorn. I take lots of pictures, just in case I need to jolt my memory in the days to come. The world is beautiful, even the weeds, which I find all the more beautiful for having sprung up where they are of their own volition. Nobody has tended or cared for them, yet this does not prevent their standing tall, proudly displaying their true colours to all who pass by.

The canal in bloom

A Summer Stroll

Day 196 - 5:06pm, 16 July 2019

Okay, I admit it, I failed. I did not go down to the Water of Leith today, and not for any grand reason, other than I completely forgot to do so. Instead, here is a photo I took walking back from the dentist along the canal. The kids had stopped outside the student accommodation in the hope of using the outdoor gym equipment, but only Little Mister is of sufficient height as to allow him to use the equipment effectively. Still, this did not stop the other two trying, which allowed me to take a moment out to photograph the quilt of wildflowers beside it. Dots of red, blue, purple, pink, white and yellow drizzled over a carpet of green, through which patches of earth did their best to shine through. A happy summer's moment. 

Staying Within Your Limits

Day 195 - 07:59am, 15 July 2019

I spent tonight writing a poem for a competition to win a place on a creative writing workshop at the Edinburgh Book Festival. There is a fifty word limit, that's not a lot, and I have never been good at brevity. Not when it comes to words, anyway. I like to take great circular sweeps at my subject until I find my groove. Admittedly this means I tend to over-write, but then I enjoy the subsequent challenge of pairing it back and polishing it into something I can hopefully be proud of. Anyway, for better or worse, this is where my fifty words took me.

"On the Page"

It's said without ears to hear it,

A falling tree makes 

No sound, only vibrations.

Unless eyes are trained on it,

Poetry makes no sense, 

Existing, if at all, as marks.

So, who's the poet, if it's because
Of your lack of perception
That this poem ceases to be?

It's the Little Things

Day 194 - 8:03pm, 14 July 2019

It's back to work tomorrow, and I have the end-of-the-holiday blues. It's not the thought of going to work so much as the thought of not being at home. It is hard to be the one working while everyone else is at play. The pay off however, I remind myself is that I will get to drink hot coffee (most likely uninterrupted) and I will be able to get out of the door in the morning much faster than trying to coordinate three other bodies out of the door. It's the little things that count.

Filling Our Days

Day 193 - 11:20am, 13 July 2019

I need to go buy theatre tokens to give to my Aunt for her birthday; we are seeing her at my Mum and Dad's for tea later on. Little Miss also has a play date to be taken to. It means a quick bus trip to the theatre and back, followed almost immediately by walking her round to her friend's house.  Two jobs off the tick list, more to come.

Little Miss, in particular, has a better social life than we do, which is probably as it should be, but it can be pretty exhausting for the rest of us. Ferrying her and her brothers here there and everywhere, and trying to remember who is doing what when saps your energy as it does your time. I had hoped the summer holidays would allow for some respite, but the calendar is filling up faster than I can keep up with it. Two weeks in and I am already looking forward to them going back to school and all their clubs so at least there is some sort of predictable structure to each week. 

King of the Castle

Day 192 - 2:38pm, 12 July 2019

I get so caught up with going to the castle today, I forgot to take a photo at the Water of Leith. So, instead, this is one of the views taken from Edinburgh Castle. Remarkably, the rain you see over Fife never headed this way and we basked in the sunshine the whole afternoon, with only the odd rainspot thrown in.

Happy to go Home

Day 191 - 7:32pm, 11 July 2019

Today's staycation involves a trip to Ryze, a trampoline park in Dalkeith. When asked where they want to go for lunch after, they opt for the local supermarket. We over ride them and so we head for a late lunch in Peebles instead. We beat the rain there - just! After a half-hearted walk along the high street, we retreat to Costa. Once we find something that everyone can eat, we sit down and enjoy lunch, accompanied by screaming toddler behind us. I am so glad that we have passed that stage.

We head for the playpark to appease the younger too, but the rain has other ideas. We would persevere, but they would not, so we give in and head for home. As we do, I tell them about the time I visited Peebles to see their grandma and grandpa who were staying there on holiday. I was pregnant with Little Miss but as we hadn't told them, I spent the day trying to hide my nausea, without them guessing. I was very glad that day to get back in the car and head for home, just as they are happy to be heading home now.

Loved and Lost, My Lovely

Day 190 - 5:38pm, 10 July 2019

Apollo (aka Polly) went to the vet today but did not come back. I feel guilty that he is dead and guilty that I let him spend half his life with someone else. I didn't expect his death to hit me this hard. I effectively lost him five or six years or go, and I haven't really given him a second thought in the past couple of years. 

You don't know what you have until it is completely out of reach. I miss his purr, his clambering aboard my chest and plonking himself as close to my face as he can muster, an incredible and irrepressible ball of fluff, with total trust in me. He was my baby before I had my own. RIP little fellow, rest in peace. 

Monkey Mind

Day 189 - 1:31pm, 9 July 2019

It's funny the things you see that are only there in your head. Take the crawling monkey with a youngster on its back, for instance. Once my mind has decided that this what I am seeing, there's no way to unsee it, despite my head also yelling that it's a fallen branch and that's what it looks like. 

Logic aside, I like seeing my monkey crawling across the banks of the Water of Leith, it keeps me smiling, despite the rain.